Poeia

Both Sides Now Transcript

2009-06-03T06:13:13Z

The Both Sides Now transcript is now available at Clinic Duty

Snippet of Hugh's Radio 4's Front Row Interview

2009-05-27T17:06:07Z

Under My Skin - transcript

2009-05-13T03:44:20Z

The Under My Skin transcript is now available at Clinic Duty

REEL TALK VIDEO

2009-03-28T21:00:37Z

Good interview. I can't figure out how to save it to my computer so I thought I'd do the embedding thing.

Handwriting Meme

2009-03-28T06:31:40Z

I was tagged by verbal_kint10 . I will make her pay!!!

1. Write your username.
2. Write your 2 favourite bands/groups of the moment.
3. Draw a heart.
4. Write the name of your favourite person of all time.
5. Write the name of your recent favoured person.
6. Tag 6 people to do this meme.

Breaking the Code

2008-10-12T19:02:29Z

Robert Sean Leonard from 1988.

I figured out where my Playbill for Breaking the Code, which I saw in January 1988, was. I broke open a trunk (that wasn't supposed to be locked) to get it. Scanned it (it only took about 60 tries to get these right.)

And then I tried to upload them to LiveJournal. Riiiiight. It absolutely refused to let me not crop the pictures. So, instead, here's the link to my Breaking the Code Photobucket album.

There are only 8 pages (and 1 picture of Robert Sean Leonard). This was his second Broadway appearance and the first where he originated the role.

Enjoy.

AFI Film Quiz

2008-07-03T04:48:34Z

I just took Round One of AFI's 10 Top 10 Film Quiz. I scored 29. It would have been 30 if I hadn't jumped the gun on one of them, but still -- that's humiliating.

It's bedtime. Round Two tomorrow.

The Big Read Meme

2008-06-27T22:35:22Z

I tend to think I’m “illiterate” in that I haven’t read enough of the books that any literate person should. If this list is the benchmark, then I’m actually semi-illiterate. There are several books on this list that I gave away this week because I finally acknowledged that I was never going to read them.

The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they've printed.

Snagged from T’eyla

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you love.
4) Reprint this list in your own LJ so we can try and track down these people who've read 6 and force books upon them. ;-)

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien (The first book only. I hated it.)
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling (The first book only. I didn’t hate it.)
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte (I’ve read pieces of this.)
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare (I’ve read a dozen or so plays and some of the sonnets.)
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien (I really liked this. That’s why I tackled the trilogy. Big mistake.)
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot (I just gave this away)
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell (I have my mother’s copy from the 1930s. Great storytelling, but the racism is very disturbing.)
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame* (see footnote)
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen (Haven’t finished it. But I didn’t give it away so there’s still hope.)
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens (Read part of it. I’m not a Dickens fan and I particularly don’t like this one.)
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas (I’ve read parts of it.)
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett (This one I’ll never give away.)
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert (I just gave this away)
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte's Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (I think I’ve read it. I’ve read a lot of Holmes, but not all of it. But I’m pretty sure I’ve read the 12 stories in this anthology.)
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare (I’m not sure why this is separate from the complete works, but it’s my favorite of all his plays.)
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

*When I was a kid, my mother decided my sister and I should read Wind in the Willows. I don’t remember why, but we both refused. So she took it out of the library on a record. We wouldn’t listen to it. Finally she set up the record player on a chair in the hall between our rooms and turned it on when we went to bed. My father told her he thought we were trying to tell her something – we were both in bed with our pillows clamped over our ears. I still haven’t read it. I wonder if my sister has.

Living the Dream transcript

2008-06-26T01:20:30Z

The Living the Dream transcript is now available at Clinic Duty

Movie Meme Answers

2008-03-13T04:45:46Z

If you like old movies, this is a good group to add to your Netflix list. Or you can wait until they show up on TCM again.

1. It Happened One Night (1934)
Clark Gable won his only Oscar for this. It’s the original “road trip” movie and one of the first screwball comedies.

2. The Lion in Winter (1968)
Katharine Hepburn as Eleanor of Aquitaine, Peter O’Toole as Henry II, Anthony Hopkins as Richard the Lionhearted, John Castle as Geoffrey and Timothy Dalton as King Philip plus a remarkable play and screenplay by William Goldman.

3. A Streetcar Named Desire (1951)
Marlon Brando in a torn t-shirt yelling “Stella” – this is the one that made him a star. Even with all references to homosexuality removed to meet Hollywood’s 1951 rules for decency and standards (so that it now promotes family life and protects our children), it still holds up.

4. Mr. Deeds Goes to Town (1936)
Gary Cooper and Jean Arthur. If you’ve only seen the remake, scrub your brain with bleach and watch this one.

5. The Talk of the Town (1942)
Jean Arthur again. This time she had to choose between Cary Grant (nee Archibald Leach) as Leopold Dilg and Ronald Coleman. She gets no sympathy from me.

6. Double Indemnity (1944)
Barbara Stanwyck and her anklet. The quotes were spoken by Edward G. Robinson. This movie is steamy (and I believe it’s one of only two times that Fred MacMurray played a bad guy.)

7. Desk Set (1957)
The second to last Hepburn/Tracy movies, it’s still a delight.

8. The Sting (1973)
Newman and Redford and I can’t believe no one got this.

9. A Man for All Seasons (1966)
Paul Scofield deservedly won an Oscar playing Sir Thomas More.

10. The Russians Are Coming, the Russians Are Coming (1966)
It’s a little dated but Alan Arkin is so funny that it still works. In a 3-year period he made this, Wait Until Dark (he was terrifying) and The Heart is a Lonely Hunter (guaranteed to make you cry), leaving me convinced that he just might be the best American actor ever.

11. Butley (1974)
Alan Bates, Alan Bates, Alan Bates and Alan Bates.
Ben Butley was definitely related to Gregory House.

12. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers (1954)
My favorite musical of all time. If I’m in a bad mood, the barn raising dance always helps.

13. The Maltese Falcon (1941)
If you haven’t seen Humphrey Bogart, Sydney Greenstreet, Peter Lorre and Mary Astor in this, you obviously don’t like old movies. So why are you still reading this post, angel?

14. Born Yesterday (1950)
Nobody did a dumb blonde who wasn’t really so dumb as well as Judy Holliday.

15. Ball of Fire (1941)
Barbara Stanwyck, Gary Cooper, 7 wonderful old character actors, gangsters, an encyclopedia and a lot of laughs. “This is yum. And this is yum. And this is yum-yum.”

Bonus. The Strawberry Blonde (1941)
James Cagney, Olivia de Havilland and Rita Hayworth in a sweet, turn-of-the-century comedy. Not a “must see” movie, but still very enjoyable.

poeia @ 2008-03-09T00:59:00

2008-03-09T06:06:26Z

I know my f-list isn’t very long, but I was surprised at how few classic movie fans it contains. Anyway, here’s a second set of hints (and, knowing this fandom, the new quote for #11 will be the most popular.) I’ll probably post the answers on Monday.

1) A: I asked you a simple question! Do you love her?
B: Yes! But don't hold that against me. I'm a little screwy myself!

Hint: For over 40 years, this remained the only movie to win the top 5 Oscars – Picture, Director, Screenplay, Actress and Actor.

Hint #2: Capra-corn and the walls of Jericho.

4) Why, everybody in Mandrake Falls is pixilated - except us.

Hint: I doubt the Adam Sandler remake included that quote. (But I’ll never know.)

Hint #2: More Capra-corn and a trombone-playing lead character.

5) Stop saying “Leopold” like that, tenderly. It sounds funny. You can't do it with a name like Leopold.

Hint: You can’t do it with a name like Archibald, either. That must be why he changed it.

Hint #2: It’s a difficult choice – Jean Arthur or a seat on the Supreme Court.

6) I picked you for the job, not because I think you're so darn smart, but because I thought you were a shade less dumb than the rest of the outfit. Guess I was wrong. You're not smarter, Walter... you're just a little taller.

Hint: Another quote from what I consider the best film noir movie ever.
They're stuck with each other and they've got to ride all the way to the end of the line and it's a one-way trip and the last stop is the cemetery.

Hint #2: All 3 of these quotes were spoken by the same supporting character.
Of all the cases on record, there's not one single case of suicide by leap from the rear end of a moving train. And you know how fast that train was going at the point where the body was found? Fifteen miles an hour. Now how can anybody jump off a slow-moving train like that with any kind of expectation that he would kill himself?

8) What was I supposed to do - call him for cheating better than me, in front of the others?

Hint: Another quote from this Best Picture winner.
Win? I said *place*! ‘Place it on Lucky D-’ That horse is gonna run second!

Hint #2: Another quote.
Luther said I could learn some things from you. I already know how to drink.

10) Please, I know everybody on this island is complete and total crazy. But you, Whittaker Walt? You are crazy too?

Hint: Another quote/dialog exchange.
A: Very clever little boy. Very, very clever, to see that my friend and I are foreigners here… <snip> What would the <snip> be doing on United States of America island, with so many animosities and hatreds between these two countries? It is too funny an idea, is it not? No, we, we are of course... Norwegians. On a small training exercise for the Nyaato countries...
B: NATO.
A: NATO countries, of course, yes. Ah, to reach place of power motorboats it is necessary to make borrowings of automobile, for a short time only, sir.

Hint #2: The sentimental ending with the kid in the belfry in danger almost ‘scuttled’ this movie for me.

11) I'm a one-woman man, and I've had mine, thank God.

Hint: Another quote from this, the newest movie on the list. It is only 34 years old..
You know how it exhausts me to teach books I haven't read.

Hint #2: IMDB doesn’t have many quotes for this movie. I had to go to the play for this one, but AFT’s movies were all very faithful adaptations of the plays.
A: Well, just one of those historical romances where the hero shoves his sword into assorted villains and his cock into assorted ladies. It won’t get the reviews but it’ll make us money.
B: If he did it the other way around you might get both.

12) What do I need manners for? I already got me a wife.

Hint: There’s a barn-raising involved in this musical. Or was that a barn-razing?

Hint #2: Another quote which should be a complete giveaway.
There were no F names in the Bible so Ma named him Frankincense because he smelled so sweet.

13) I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously, unless you keep in practice.

Hint: Another quote from this film noir masterpiece.
When a man's partner is killed, he's supposed to do something about it. It doesn't make any difference what you thought of him. He was your partner and you're supposed to do something about it.

Hint #2: If this quote doesn’t give it away, nothing will.
The stuff that dreams are made of.

14) You're just not couth!

Hint: The remake, starring a former Working Girl, was nowhere near as good.

Hint #2: Katharine Hepburn, Spencer Tracy and Garson Kanin arranged for the star to get a small, scene-stealing part in Adam’s Rib as an audition for this movie in which she recreated her Broadway triumph.
Born Yesterday identified by galaxygirl76

15) He looks like a giraffe, and I love him.

Hint: One of two Billy Wilder films on the list. He didn’t direct this one, but he and Charles Brackett did base part of the script on “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”

Hint #2:
A: Do you know what this means - "I'll get you on the Ameche"?
B: No.
A: 'Course you don't. An Ameche is the telephone, on account of he invented it.
B: Oh, no, he didn't.
A: Like, you know, in the movies.

Bonus (Because there’s not a chance that anyone will get it.)
That's the kind of a hairpin I am.

Hint: Not James Cagney’s best movie (or even my favorite), but I’ve always loved that quote which is a signature line for his character.

Hint #2: A lyric containing the movie’s title.
Casey would dance with ‘_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _’ and the band played on.

Movie Quotes

2008-03-04T04:44:13Z

I blame xaipw. I saw a movie quote meme on deelaundry’s LJ, guessed one and moved on. But I can’t resist the lure twice.

1. Pick 15 of your favorite movies.
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. Fill in the film title once it's guessed.
5. NO GOOGLING / using IMDb search functions.

It’s almost two days (not that my seldom-used LJ gets much traffic). Time for hints.

1) A: I asked you a simple question! Do you love her?
B: Yes! But don't hold that against me. I'm a little screwy myself!
Hint: For over 40 years, this remained the only movie to win the top 5 Oscars – Picture, Director, Screenplay, Actress and Actor.

~~2) I'd hang you from the nipples, but you'd shock the children.~~
The Lion in Winter, identified by xaipw

~~3) Poker should not be played in a house with women.~~
A Streetcar Named Desire, identified by xaipw

4) Why, everybody in Mandrake Falls is pixilated - except us.
Hint: I doubt the Adam Sandler remake included this quote. (But I’ll never know.)

5) Stop saying "Leopold" like that, tenderly. It sounds funny. You can't do it with a name like Leopold.
Hint: You can’t do it with a name like Archibald, either. That must be why he changed it.

6) I picked you for the job, not because I think you're so darn smart, but because I thought you were a shade less dumb than the rest of the outfit. Guess I was wrong. You're not smarter, Walter... you're just a little taller.
Hint: Another quote from what I consider the best film noir movie ever “They're stuck with each other and they've got to ride all the way to the end of the line and it's a one-way trip and the last stop is the cemetery.”

7) A: Now what is the first thing you notice in a person?
B: Whether the person is male or female.
Desk Set, identified by xaipw

8) What was I supposed to do - call him for cheating better than me, in front of the others?
Hint: Another quote from this Best Picture winner “Win? I said *place*! ‘Place it on Lucky D-’ That horse is gonna run second!”

~~9) Why Richard, it profits a man nothing to give his soul for the whole world... but for Wales?~~
A Man for All Seasons, identified by azmatazz

10) Please, I know everybody on this island is complete and total crazy. But you, Whittaker Walt? You are crazy too?
Hint: Another quote/dialog exchange.
A: Very clever little boy. Very, very clever, to see that my friend and I are foreigners here… <snip> What would the <snip> be doing on United States of America island, with so many animosities and hatreds between these two countries? It is too funny an idea, is it not? No, we, we are of course... Norwegians. On a small training exercise for the Nyaato countries...
B: NATO.
A: NATO countries, of course, yes. Ah, to reach place of power motorboats it is necessary to make borrowings of automobile, for a short time only, sir.

11) I'm a one-woman man, and I've had mine, thank God.
Hint: Another quote “You know how it exhausts me to teach books I haven't read.”
Also, this is the newest movie on the list. It is only 34 years old.

12) What do I need manners for? I already got me a wife.
Hint: There’s a barn-raising involved in this musical. Or was that a barn-razing?

13) I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously, unless you keep in practice.
Hint: Another quote from this film noir masterpiece “When a man's partner is killed, he's supposed to do something about it. It doesn't make any difference what you thought of him. He was your partner and you're supposed to do something about it.”

14) You're just not couth!
Hint: The remake, starring a former Working Girl, was nowhere near as good.

15) He looks like a giraffe, and I love him.
Hint: One of two Billy Wilder films on the list. He didn’t direct this one, but he and Charles Brackett did base part of the script on “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”

Bonus (Because there’s not a chance that anyone will get it.) That's the kind of a hairpin I am.
Hint: Not James Cagney’s best movie (or even my favorite), but I’ve always loved that quote which is a signature line for his character.

poeia @ 2008-02-01T23:46:00

2008-02-02T04:46:41Z

Invitation

2007-09-02T04:00:15Z

You can see House’s House of Whining from here.

It's the new forum full of great people who love the TV show House. Come and talk to us at
http://houseofwhining.com/

House/Cameron One-Shot. Chapter III

2007-05-01T05:04:11Z

Rating: NC-17 maybe (for language)
Disclaimer: All rights to House MD belong to David Shore, Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions in association with NBC Universal Television Studio. I do not make any monetary profit from this fanfiction.

Warning: Death fic, I guess

I know I said that it might be months (or years) before I MSTed Chapter 3. But that was before I read it. It gave me nightmares (which did not include Gregory House removing my big toe with a pair of pliers.) So now I can say I read and MSTed the worst fan!fic ever written.

I know that is a pretty big claim. There are so many awful fics out there, clamoring for the title. But this fic wins it, unopposed, by virtue of the eighth paragraph. As some paragraphs may be broken into pieces to allow for commentary by the denizens of PPTH, I’ll tell you that the paragraph in question starts with “Of course that was not what happened” and ends with “a golden wedding ring on their ring finger.”

If you read the previous installments, you’ll know that I have a pet peeve about mixing plural pronouns with singular nouns. Yet the fact that they apparently share one ring finger and one wedding ring for said finger is a trivial matter in the grand scheme of things.

Previously, Chapter 1 and Chapter 2

========================

Chase: House, we’ve already read two chapters of this one-shot. Haven’t you tortured us enough already?
House: There’s only one chapter left.
Foreman: She can’t spell, she doesn’t know how to punctuate and she’s completely oblivious to Cameron’s and your personalities. What else is there for her to so-called write about?
House: The early days of my wifey’s and my marriage.
Cameron: You must be kidding.

Hi guys. I am back with another House/Cameron One Shot. This time House spends some time with his first newborn son, so this “happened” before [Chapter 1] and [Chapter 2]. I hope it is not to confusing. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it and please review.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from House M.D.

The room would have been dark if it wasn’t for the sun shining true the curtains welcoming Sunday morning.

Chase: Okay, so the room would have been dark if it weren’t light.
Foreman: So true… True the curtains.

The sheets were only covering the lower part of his body. Gregory House had a hard time sleeping tonight, for the first time in months. He turned his head for the hundred time to the left side of the king size bed. Allison Cameron House was still asleep. Figures House thought.

Cameron: What figures? That I was sleeping during the night. What a bizarre thing for me to do.
House: Almost as weird as the fact that I apparently don’t sleep with the sheets pulled over my head.

Dr. Allison Cameron House. Oh, how that name scared him at the beginning of their marriage. It still does, but in a strange comforting way. He was happy that she wanted to use his last name. Mostly because it meant that whenever a young man would start flirting with her, Greg was able to introduce himself as Dr. House, and then say while pointing at himself “Yep, she is married to a cripple man. House’s sentence would continue sarcastically. “So keep walking pretty boy”. And then of course a huge grin would appear on his face while he would make sure that they walked away from Cameron.

Chase: Wouldn’t it be just as easy to introduce yourself by saying “I’m Gregory House, Dr. Cameron’s husband.”
House: But then I wouldn’t be able to call myself “a cripple man.” Or tell the pretty boys to keep walking.
Chase: But you’re being sarcastic when you tell them that. You don’t really mean it.
House: You’re right. I actually want one of them to take her off my hands.
Cameron: House! I don’t like the idea any more than you do but we’re stuck in this bad!fic together. At least you could pretend to be nice about it.

Dr. Allison Cameron House. He loved when those words fell out of her mouth. Although he would never actually be stupid enough to admit it, it meant the world to him. Just the way she said it was odd for him to hear. She would say it with so much pride and that was enough for him to say, “Yep, I am hitting that” while looking at Cameron.

Wilson: You tell people you’re “hitting that” when you refer to your wife? Suddenly my marriages look like models of propriety in comparison.
Foreman: If he’s willing to talk about her that way to death row prisoners, why wouldn’t he do the same when discussing her with colleagues?
House: It’s bound to improve her professional status within the hospital.

Suddenly Allison moved and snuggled her body closer to House. She slid her arm over his chest while making herself comfortable. It surprised him that even in her sleep, she would avoid going anywhere near his bad leg. It amazed him to see how she thought about him even when she was sleeping.

Wilson: Actually, it’s easy to avoid his bad leg in bed. You just sleep on his left side.

But what always got his attention when they were in bed is how she fit with him. House knew it sounded cheesy and the last thing he wanted was to sound cheesy, but he was just telling himself the truth.

House: Amazing! A male body and a female body fitting together almost like they were designed that way. What will they think of next?
Cameron: You’re 9 inches taller than I am. If I had to sleep next to you, I’m sure I could find some point along your body where I would fit.

House could sometimes stare at her for hours. Of course that only happened when she was asleep. He didn’t understand how a young and beautiful woman like her, would want to share her life with a damaged guy like him.

Foreman: You stare at her for hours while she’s sleeping? That’s a little creepy, don’t you think? Maybe you should consider sleeping pills.

He was, for the first time in his life, scared when they first kissed. House could never forget the feeling when his lips met hers. She was so soft that he wondered whether he had died and gone to heaven.

Chase: House, you’re amazing. Nothing in your life ever scared you before that?
House: Nope.
Chase: Not the infarction or…
Cameron: The subsequent cardiac arrest or…
Foreman: Not being able to walk after the myectomy or…
Wilson: Getting shot?
House: Nope. Kissing Cameron was definitely the scariest thing that ever happened to me.

Of course that was not what happened when they first made love. And yes he would never believe it, that he, Gregory House, had made love to a woman.

House: Wilson, I guess I was wrong when I told you that she might not understand about you. It looks like she does.

It was awkward and unpleasant for the both of them. It was a good thing that the large amount of alcohol they had poured into their bodies that night had made the evening a slight blur.

House: What the fuck?!?
Chase: *smirks* Bad choice of words, House.
House: Did author!person just say I was a virgin when Cameron and I first slept together?
Cameron: *horrified* I think she implied that we both were.
House: I’m almost 50!
Cameron: Well, I’m pushing 30!
House: I lived with Stacy for five years. Does she think we were roomies?
Cameron: I was married.
House: I have hookers on speed dial.
Cameron: I took meth and jumped Chase.

But the next couple of months they had tried so hard to make up for that first night, and a year later there they were, sleeping in the same bed with a golden wedding ring on their ring finger.

Foreman: At least you seem to be fast learners. Your first, disastrous night together was a year ago and you already have a son.

He knew it was going to be though, he knew that their marriage would bring some unpleasant moments. The hospital staff would talk about them, instead of minding their own business. And yet he didn’t care. And neither did she. Cameron was there for him. And for him that was enough.

Chase: Yea, because you always mind your own business and never talk about other people in the hospital.
Cameron: And that’s not all. I slept with Peterson, the fellow in cardiology. Twice.
House: Good for you.

She made sure to never go to bed without giving him a good night kiss. It was their way of saying I love you. She would bring him tea whenever he was sick. She managed to see him as a person and not just as Dr. Gregory House. She put up with his sarcastic comments directed to the people around him. And she noticed, yet never said it to his face, he did not use that way of communication when he was around her at home. He wanted to make her happy and if that meant cutting out a few sarcastic comments, reduce his drinking and intake of his painkillers, so beat it.

Foreman: I think “beat it” probably better describes what you had to do before you slept with Cameron.
House: Fic!me, Foreman.
Cameron: And there was Steve Reynolds during my first year of medical school
Chase: Cameron, are you feeling alright?
Cameron: But he turned out to be a little too kinky for me.

That was another thing, since they had gotten married he didn’t take that much vicodin and he didn’t drink that much. He found it odd that the need for those things wasn’t that strong anymore. House knew that Cameron didn’t want him to change and for that he was grateful.

House: I changed because I was so grateful that she didn’t want me to change?
Cameron: Then I lived with Peter Smith for two years until he dropped out of med school.
Foreman: Uh, Cameron?

He felt pain in his leg and somehow managed to carefully get out of bed without waking up his wife. He slowly grabbed his cane and limped towards the bathroom. House let the water run from the tap and then let the cold water fill in his hands before washing his face. He looked up at the mirror and saw how tired he looked. And then instantly he heard the reason to his sleepless nights.

House: Oh, good. I was planning to get my ears checked. But if I can instantly hear things, I guess I don’t have to.
Cameron: It’s cold in Minnesota during the winter. I learned all about bundling during my residency at the Mayo Clinic.
House: Very funny, Cameron. Chase, I think you’d better get checked for STDs.
Wilson: Cameron…Allison, I think you’ve proven your point. You’re a slut. We believe you.

House turned of the light in the bathroom and made his way towards the nursery. He carefully opened the door revealing a crib, a chair and blue/white wallpaper. He took small steps and limped towards the crib. And there he was. Their son, Ethan. Those beautiful sparkly blue eyes were showing his father that he had been crying, and the baby blue blanket that was not covering his body were shoving that it was too warm to sleep.

Cameron: *atonally* Hush little baby, don’t say a word.
House: Cameron, that’s enough.
Cameron: Mama’s gonna buy you a mocking bird.

A smile appeared on Ethan’s face the moment he saw his father’s face. House looked at him. He was three months now and already the reason his father saw life worth living. After a long time of hesitating, House hooked his cane on the crib and bent down to pick Ethan up. He wasn’t that used to holding Ethan, and felt as if he could work more on his father skills.

Cameron: He’s probably just hungry. *starts to unbutton her vest and blouse* And if that mocking bird don’t sing.
*House starts to smirk but stops when he realizes she isn’t kidding.*

House, somehow, made it to the chair without his cane and the baby in his arms. Ethan clutched to House’s black rolling stone tee shirt. Ethan blinked a few times and shoved his thumb in his mouth.

Cameron: Mama’s gonna buy you a diamond ring.
Chase: House, you bastard. You just had to make us read one more bad!fic! You’ve finally driven Cameron insane.

House could smell the soft baby scent of his son and he smirked. “I see that you have no plans to let your mommy and me sleep”. He never saw himself as a family man and yet there he was, sitting in a nursery and holding a child. Their child. Oh, had he been surprised when the news about Ethan hit him. Somehow House managed to figure the whole thing before Cameron did, even if it was her body. It was safe to say that House was scared. To this very day he felt scared. Scared that he would turn out like his father, scared that he wouldn’t do as a father. Scared that one-day Cameron would wake up and take the baby with her, leaving House behind.

House: Cameron, stop it. We… we have a patient. See, it says we have to figure the whole thing out. Let’s go into the conference room and do a DDX on you.
Cameron: And if that diamond ring turns brass. Mama’s gonna buy you a looking glass.

House traced small circles on the baby’s cheeks. He held him in his arms and not to close to his bad leg. It felt weird to look at someone who was a part of him and Cameron. He couldn’t believe that he and Cameron created a tiny little person. That thought alone was enough to make him want to scream so loud that his lungs could explode.

Chase: I’ll make you scream for what you did to her. And explode.
*Chase opens House’s desk drawer and pulls out the gun.*

“So, what’s new with you?” House looked at the baby, asking him a casual question as if Ethan would understand. House didn’t know what to do, this was the sort of ting Cameron did. She would make it to the nursery way before House even managed to get out of bed or of the couch. And when he finally did make it to the nursery, she would say that she had everything under control and that he could just go to back to whatever he was doing.

Wilson: Chase, don’t shoot!
*Wilson throws himself in front of the gun just as Chase pulls the trigger.*
Cameron: You shouldn’t make so much noise. Ethan will never get back to sleep. But don’t worry, I have everything under control.

But now it was he who had first heard the baby cries. And since his leg was keeping him up, he might as well stay here with the baby. Besides it did not look like Cameron was up. He watched as the baby looked at him. “Yeah, I know I am old, who would have thought your mother would actually marry me”. House said with a bit of truth in his words.

House, Chase and Foreman: Wilson!
Wilson: Are you okay, House?
*Wilson dies*

House couldn’t help but remember when Cameron was pregnant with Ethan. He didn’t know what to do; luckily Cameron wasn’t like a lot of those pregnant women he had heard about. She didn’t wake up late at night telling him to get her some sort of crazy food desire. She would make sure to do that at daylight. She was however a bit hormonal. She would often use his way of communicating with people. House liked to think that he had done a great job in training her how to get other people to avoid her when she didn’t want company.

*The door to House’s office is pulled open. Cuddy rushes in.*
Cuddy: Did I just hear another gunshot coming from this office, House!
Cameron: House, would you get me some Cookie Dough Ice Cream with ketchup please?

Cameron noticed that her arm was not touching House’s chest. She opened her eyes and felt a yawn coming. She looked around in the bedroom, but it was to dark to spot anything. She figured that House had gone to the bathroom. She felt thirsty and got up heading towards the kitchen. But as she was about to take the first step towards the staircase, she heard an unusual noise coming from the nursery. She turned around and found House holding the baby in his arms with his eyes shut leaning his head on the chair. She didn’t want to wake them up but she knew that she couldn’t leave House sleeping like that with his bad leg.

House: *clearly shaken* Chase just killed Wilson.
Chase: I was trying to shoot you, you bastard. Wilson, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do it.
*Chase turns the gun on himself and pulls the trigger.*
Cameron: House, wake up. If you sleep in that chair your leg will start to hurt. And it probably won’t be good for Ethan if you drop him.

Cameron suddenly remembered those times when she and House relaxed on the couch with her looking at a magazine and him watching his soaps. When she was pregnant she could often fall in asleep with her head resting on House’s shoulder. When she would wake up, she could hear House talking to the baby and explaining him the events that took place on his soaps, but the moment she woke up House stopped talking. Cameron never discuss it with House, because she knew it she brought it up then he would never do it again, so she just enjoyed it while she could. Those memories brought a smile to her face. She hoped House knew what a great father he was to his child.

*House stumbles over to Chase and tries to stop the bleeding.*
House: Chase, I’m sorry. Hold on. We’ll get help.
Cameron: House, I hope you realize that only a father as great as you are would teach his child to appreciate soap operas while the baby was still in utero.
*Chase dies*

“You can stop looking and remembering”. House said keeping his eyes shut. “And rather come and take the baby”. He opened his eyes and looked at her. She hurried and took the baby away from him.

Cameron: Here, let me take the baby.
House: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I just thought we’d have a little fun reading bad!fic. I didn’t mean for this to happen.
*House cradles Chase’s hand which still holds the gun. He looks at Cuddy then points the gun at his head and presses Chase’s finger to the trigger. House dies.*

“There we go,” She whispered as she put the baby back in the crib. Ethan was fast asleep. Cameron was going to cover his tiny body with the baby blue cotton blanket, but House’s arm stopped her. “He is warm and therefore he couldn’t sleep”. He let go of Cameron’s arm. “And then he seems to get cranky and wake up everybody in the house, so leave the blanket”. House took his black cane.

Cuddy: Oh my God! House is dead!
Foreman: So are Chase and Wilson!
Cuddy: But I’ve built the reputation of this hospital on House’s diagnostic ability. What will I do now?
Cameron: You could turn down the heat so Ethan won’t get too warm while he sleeps.

The pain in his leg was almost gone so he figured he could get some sleep, and started walking towards his and Cameron’s bedroom feeling tired. Cameron soon followed. He left his cane next to the nightstand and got under the covers. Cameron watched him a bit while leaning on the doorframe; House’s voice brought her out her thoughts. “Are you coming or do you think I am going to bite?” She smiled and got under the covers. Brown eyes met blue eyes and for a few seconds they simply gazed at each other. House shifted his body slightly closer to Cameron’s. “If you thought that I bite, then your thoughts were on the right track”. Cameron laughed and kissed his lips gently. “Well, good then, cause I bite too”. She looked at his unshaved face and blue eyes. “After all, I learned from the master”.

Cuddy: I learned from the master too. I guess this is your last diagnosis, House.
*Cuddy grabs the gun and shoots herself. Dies*
Cameron: Be careful. I can’t go to work with a mark on my neck.

House was going to kiss her, but instead he said “I would rather have bad times with you, then good times with someone else”. He didn’t often show soft moments like this one therefore Cameron was careful about what she said when they happened. House had a way with her. She knew how hard it was for him to say I love you. But he made sure that she knew that he in fact did love her. He would for instants put a blanket over her whenever she would fall asleep on the couch. And he would play her favourite songs on the piano. She never spoke about it to anybody. It was kind of their little secret and she liked it that way. She liked it when he showed her the real Gregory House.

*The door opens again and two members of PPTH’s crack security team enter.*
Security Office: Did something happen?
Cameron: My husband is about to play my favorite songs on the piano for me. House, would you start with “Feelings” and then play “Love Story” please?

Cameron closed the small space between them and planted a kiss on his soft lips.

Foreman: I guess I’m new Chief of Diagnostic Medicine.
Cameron: You? Why you? It’s because I’m a woman, isn’t it? Cuddy never liked me because…
Foreman: Cameron, Cuddy’s dead.
Cameron: Oh. Then I can be Dean of Medicine.

Author's Note: Hey, guys. Hope you liked reading this. Please let me know what you think! ---[signed by the worst fic writer in history]

House/Cameron One-Shot. Chapter II

2007-04-29T15:24:30Z

House/Cameron One-Shot. Chapter II

I finally finished the second chapter in this one-shot. I’m sorry it took so long, but dreck like this is not easy to plow through. Unfortunately, in the interim, author!person has written a third chapter. I’m planning to read it some time this millennium.

Disclaimer: All rights to House MD belong to David Shore, Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions in association with NBC Universal Television Studio. I do not make any monetary profit from this fanfiction.

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We now return to the world of House, his wifey, Cameron and their two children – Ethan (who is a giant blue eye) and Joy.

Previously, Chapter 1 .

House and Wilson are sitting in House’s office. Wilson is taking slow, deep, rhythmic breaths.
Wilson: I’m fine. It’s fiction, the warped ramblings of author!idiot’s diseased mind.
House: Okay. *yells toward conference room* Break’s over. Get in here.
Cameron, Chase and Foreman reluctantly enter. Cuddy follows them as far as the doorway.
Cuddy: Am I in this one?
House: *checks* Nope, just one quick mention.
Cuddy: Then I’m going back to work. *leaves*

Hi guys, this is a House and Cameron One Shot. It’s a sequel to [Part I]. It would be great if you read [Part I] first. This One Shot just poped into my head, yes poped. Hehe. For those of you who have read [Part I] may have noticed that I wrote a disclaimer from One Tree Hill, sorry about that. But seriously did anyone think that I own anything from House. Little me?. Hello!

Chase: What did she say about the Pope?
Foreman: Nothing. Just that he was in her head.
Chase: That’s absurd. Why would the Pope be in her head?

I wanna thank everybody who gave me feedback for [Part I]. So thank you: [individually names five reviewers]. And I wanna thank everybody who took a little time to read my first House/Cameron One Shot. It ment at a lot to me. Anyway, enjoy and please give me some feedback!

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything from House.

Cameron: It “ment at” a lot to us too. Punishment, at the very least.

House was sitting in his office at home. It was a small room, but more than enough space for him.

House: It was more than enough because I am a petit and delicate person.

The blue lamp on the night stand was the only thing bringing light into the room. He took a sip of his coffee. Oh, it is cold. That made him realise that he had been sitting in his office for a long time, so long that it was now dark outside.

Foreman: Drinking cold coffee makes you realize it is dark outside? Most people realize it because of the lack of light coming through the windows.

Suddenly an enormous pain shot trough his leg and he gritted his teeth together. He reached for the painkillers at the corner of his desk. House poped the bottle open and swallowed two pills.

Chase: Now she’s involving the Pope in House’s drug problem. I know I haven’t exactly been a model Catholic since I left the seminary, but that’s just disrespectful.
House: Hey, author!nitwit. The hole in my leg is ugly and painful. But it is not the size of a trough. People don’t throw food on my thigh for the neighborhood animals to eat out of.

Come on, House focus, he keeped on telling himself.

Foreman: What’s “House focus?”
Cameron: Probably something like autofocus. If he doesn’t use a camera often, he’d have to remind himself what settings to use.

He had all the symtomes of the patient written down and he was just staring at them. He couldn’t figure out what was wrong with his latest patient. He rubbed his unshaved face with both of his hands while leaning his head back.

House: If I remember my Greek correctly, “sym” as a prefix means “having the same function as.” So symtomes must be large, heavy books which can be used interchangeably.

Suddenly he heard knocking. He looked towards the door.

“Can I come in?” The fifteen year old boy asked. He looked like a young House, and if it wasn’t for his father’s beard and scar on his right leg one would believe he was a clone of House.

House: Scar tissue is not encoded on the genome.
Chase: Neither are shaving choices.
House: Besides, I’m pretty sure I don’t have a beard on my right leg.
Wilson: You didn’t last night.

“It doesn't look as if I am getting much work done anyway, so go right ahead” House waved his hand towards the chair not so far from his desk.

The fifteen year old boy named Ethan looked nervous. He took small steps towards the chair and for a second he changed his mind about talking to his father. “You know what, never mind”. He turned around and started walking towards the door, but his father’s laugh stopped him.

“What?” Ethan asked turning around to face his father. “Why are you laughing?”.

Cameron: It’s a miracle. Ethan has grown legs!
Chase: Seems like they’re short legs if all he can take are small steps.
Cameron: When he was eight, he was nothing but a blue eye. Even short legs are wonderful.
Chase: It’s probably a result of invoking the Pope’s name so often.

“I see the whole teen boy not talking to his father, is really starting to kick in” House was going to add more “House humor” to the sentence, but the look on Ethan’s counfused face made him change his direction of his sentence.

House: Yeah, my sentence was going north but I changed it to southeast because Ethan was counfused.
Foreman: How can he add more House humor? He hasn’t said anything funny yet.

“Sit” House said in a kind way, well at least as kind as House’s voice can sound.

Chase: “Woof,” said Ethan.
Foreman: What?
Chase: Well, House was talking to the kid like he’s a dog so I thought . . .
House: Chase, sit!
Chase: woof

Cameron always told him that if he didn’t want his children to think of him the way he thought about his father, he would have to make an effort and talk to them. And not in his own little sarcastic way, but talk to them as a father to his children.

Cameron: There is nothing “little” about House’s sarcastic way.
Wilson: Actually, there’s nothing “little” about House.
House: *smirks*

So that was what he had been trying to do, and it seems to go much better. Except now Ethan was rolling into the bumpy teenage-years and it wasn’t that easy. But either way he didn’t want his children to feel the way he did when he was around his father. It was a feeling that he didn’t wish upon anyone. Not even Cuddy.

House: I don’t like administrators on principle. But by the time this fic takes place, I would have been working for Cuddy for more than a quarter of a century. If I hated her that much, one of us would be dead by now.

Ethan sat down and yet not feeling very comfortable. He looked at his father and found it odd of how it was sometimes easy to talk to him, and sometimes, like this time, he would like nothing more than just too go to his room.

“What’s up?” House asked curious.

Foreman: Missing comma. Unless House is talking to someone named “curious.”

Ethan didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know how to start the conversation. He normally didn’t talk about those kind of stuff with his family. He was beginning to be nervous again.

“Who was your first love?” Ethan blurted out.

House looked at him. His son was truly a teenager.

Cameron: What was the first clue? The fact that he’s 15?
House: Nope, the fact that he wants to talk to me about Stacy.

House knew that Ethan had found a girl that he liked and it brought joy to House in ways that he couldn’t describe. On the other hand House knew that Ethan was wondering about “adult stuff” as well. Great, House thought. Of course that thought was meant in a sarcastic way.

House: Of course. Actually, I’m terrified at the thought of talking about “adult stuff” with a teenager.
Chase: He’s 15 and you haven’t talked to him about sex yet? You’re a doctor. You spend time working in a free clinic. You know how young kids are these days when they get sexually active.
House: Until he grew legs, I always figured the closest thing to an STD he could catch was pinkeye.

House knew he would have to have the talk someday and yet he felt as if he wasn’t prepared. (Don’t forget that him being one of the best doctors there is, was at this time no help what-so-ever). And there was often times like this moment that caused House to go back back to his “old” behavior.

Cameron: Why would his being a doctor be “no help what-so-ever” in explaining biological urges to someone?
Foreman: And, since author!dingbat didn’t tell us this before, it makes no sense for her to say “don’t forget.”

“Who was my first love?” House repeated. He didn’t know if he wanted to run out of the room or laugh. “My first love”.

House: Cripple here. I’m not running anywhere. So I guess I’ll just laugh at my kid. That should make him feel really good about coming to me for advice.

“That was one hot person”. He looked at Ethan and saw the shock on his face. House knew it was because Ethan would never have thought that his father would actully have this conversiton with him. After the shock passed the laughter came along.

“What, she really was hot”. House couldn’t help but join in on the laugh.

House: Okay, everyone. Let’s all laugh at the idea that I’d be attracted to someone hot.
All: Hah!

“And that’s the reason she was your first love”. Ethan had his doubt. He knew it was going to be though, but he was determined to find out who his father’s first love was.

“What was she like?” Ethan asked curious, as to who was this person that made his father open up to him.

“Well you know, get your own girlfriend and you will have your answar” House didn’t know what other way there was to respond to this sort of question.

Cameron: The question was “What was she like?” Surely you can think of at least one other way to respond.
Chase: That’s House in a nutshell – inarticulate and embarrassed.
All: Hah!

Ethan got up from his chair and said “It was nice as long as it lasted”. He was on his way out of the room when House spoke. “She had the most amazing eyes”.

Ethan turned around and looked at his father “What?”. “Well, that and she really had the guts to stand up to me.” House continued. “Me” he repeated holding his hands toward’s his chest.

Ethan went to sit in the chair once again. He remained silent, afraid that if he spoke House woudn’t tell him more.

“She had something that no person could resist”. Ethan remained still. “She was a person that no one could look away from. Everybody loved her and I mean everybody”. He put a extra force on the word everybody. House stopped for a moment. “Including me”.

All: Wow.
Foreman: The punctuation and spelling are a mess. And there should be a couple more paragraph breaks. But she actually put together more than a dozen sentences in a row that are reminiscent of the way real people talk, think and feel.
Cameron: She did that once in the last chapter, too.
Chase: She gives us a glimpse of an adequate fic then snatches it away again. She’s trying to torment us.
House: She’s not trying, she’s succeeding.

House wasn’t used to talk about stoff this way, so he changed the subject as soon as the opportunity came along. “You found a girl you like?” He looked at Ethan.

“Yeah” Ethan said almost whispering.

“Well” House wanted to know more, but he didn’t know how to ask. Luckily Ethan understood what his father wanted.

“She is pretty” House had to let out a small chuckle. It reminded him of the time when Cameron asked him why he had hired her, and he told her that it was because she was pretty. If she only knew.

House: If she only knew I was lying when I said that.
Foreman: If she only knew what she was getting herself into when she accepted the job.
Chase: If she only knew that she didn’t have to throw herself away on a misanthropic bastard.
Wilson: If she only knew that I got to House first.
Cameron: If I only knew how to end this now, before my fic!self enters.

“Go on” He encouraged Ethan with the only way he knew how.

“I don’t know what else to say” Ethan really didn’t know what to say. Then he remembered. “She is a year younger than I am”. House nodded his head to tell Ethan that he was listening.

House: Wonderful. Not only does author!moron think I’m incapable of expressing myself in an erudite and cogent manner, she thinks my kid is just as tongue-tied.

“And she likes soccer, just like me” Even though it killed House to know that because of his leg he would never be able to play fotball with his son, he knew that Wilson would always step in and play. And House really liked the fact that his son was doing something he was enjoying.

Cameron: This fic takes place at least 16 years in the future. Even if House’s leg were fine, wouldn’t he be a little old for soccer?
Wilson: *mutters* I’m going to sock you if you call House “old” again.
Cameron: He’d be in his 60s. That’s old.
*Wilson throttles Cameron. Chase tries to pull Wilson away from her. The three of them fall to the floor, wrestling. Foreman watches, amused.*
House: Hey! *pokes pile of bodies with his cane* Don’t think you’re going to avoid the rest of this emo!mess by killing each other. Get back up here!

Neither House nor Ethan talked for a few minutes. Both were deep in their thoughts.

“How did you know you loved her, I mean your first love” Ethan asked his father, not sure if he would even get an answer.

“I don’t know” House told him honestly. “But everytime I saw her my heart would start beating really fast, and my hands would get all sweaty. And when she smiled". House stopped and then continued. "I would give up my life if I had to, just so that she could smile”.

House: Translation – seeing her caused me to have panic attacks and I would rather have died than look at her face again.
Wilson: *smirks*

House looked down on the piece of paper on his desk. Symptomes that he couldn’t connect to a disease. He groaned of frustration.

He turned to his son and said “She made me believe in God”. Ethan smiled. His father was actually talking to him about his first love. He had to pinch himself to make sure it wasn’t some sort of dream.

Chase: I thought Stacy is an atheist, just like you are.
House: She is. The crucifix she wears has sentimental, not religious, meaning for her.

“Oh, and she just couldn’t resist my devilish good looks”. House smirked as did Ethan. He knew it had to come sooner or later.

Ethan had to ask “Was she pretty?”

House looked at him for a long time “Yes, she was”. He saw Cameron and Joy standing by the door. Cameron was leaning her right forearm on the doorfram while holding Joy’s hand. It looked as if she was getting Joy ready for bed. And bringing House coffee.

Cameron: Now there are two jobs I would combine. “Come on, Joy. It’s your bedtime. Let’s go to the kitchen and make a fresh pot of coffee.”

“She still is” House said in a soft voice and looked at Cameron. It was at that time Ethan understood it all. His mother was his father’s first love. He knew that his twelve year old sister was probably thinking Mommy and daddy sitting in a three and k-i-s-s-i-n-g. Girls, Ethan thought to himself.

All: *stunned silence*
Chase: What the . . . ?
Cameron: You were 45 when I met you. Does author!cretin think you had never been in love before?
Foreman: She doesn’t have to think, just open her eyes. He spent months chasing Stacy all over New Jersey.
House: Actually, Stacy was my first serious love, but I did “fall in love” a few times in high school. And college. And medical school. And during my residency and fellowships.
Wilson: And don’t forget about me.
House: Wilson, we already know that author!imbecile is not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree. She might not understand about you.

He looked at the clock and realised that if he wanted to get some sleep it was time too go to bed. Ethan stood up from his chair and turned to his father “Thanks for the talk dad” He then looked at his mother. “I can take Joy to bed mom”.

Chase: That really sounds bad. Are they still sharing a room?

“Thank you honny” Cameron smiled. “Good night mommy and daddy” Joy said with a big smile on her face as she waved with her hand. She had so much semblance to her mother. Joy was indeed a beautiful little girl. House dreaded the day he would have use his cain as a way to beat boys away from his daughter. Actually on second thought, he looked forward to using his cain to something useful. “Good night” Cameron said and watched their children leave House’s office. Cameron looked at House and felt her heart melt. He had really worked hard these last couple of days. His latest patient was causing him to get up early and to stay up late. She held on to the coffee she was holding in her hand and put it on his desk. House picked it up and took a sip.

Cameron: I held on to the coffee I was holding and put it down? Come on, author!equivocator, make up your mind. Do I hold it or put it on his desk?
Foreman: With everything that’s wrong with that paragraph, all you’re concerned with is what you did with a stupid cup of coffee?
Cameron: The rest of the paragraph scares me. I’m trying to focus on the part I can almost understand.
Wilson: Your cain? Even if she spelled it right, you consider beating boys away from your daughter to be using your cane “to something useful?”
Cameron: See! It scares Wilson too.

“I don’t understand what's wrong with this patient” Cameron could hear the need in his voice, the need to find out what illness his patient has before he dies. She stood behind him and bent down to slid her arms around his neck. She buried her face in his neck. “You will get it, I know you will”.

Cameron knew that his patience was running out. He had days like these everytime she was pregnant. Why should this pregnancy be any different?. House knew that pregnancy would leed to Cameron not going to work with him. House remembered after Joy was born, Cameron didn’t go to work for almost six years. Well she did go to the hospital to see House and her coworkers, but that was all. She didn’t stay up late with him and the team to find out why people were sick.

House: Oh my god! She’s spawning again.
Cameron: Fic!me had better not stay home for six years with this one. You’ll be 70 by the time I go back to work.
Chase: He’s eaten a million pounds of Vicodin. He takes experimental drugs and then counteracts their effects by taking illegal ones.
Wilson: His diet consists of grease, sugar and artificial coloring.
Foreman: And you think he’s going to last until he’s 70? You’d better go back to work right away. You’re going to be the sole wage earner long before the next one is out of diapers.

He gently started playing with her slender fingers. House could feel her wedding ring and he feelt a grin swim onto his face. Cameron could feel House’s wedding ring and she loved the idea of her and him being bonded for the rest of their life. They would have the joy of growing old together and watching their children go to school. They would get to see their grandchildren together and that was all that mattered to Cameron.

Foreman: That should be “their lives.” They don’t share one life.
House: Cameron is 20 years younger than I am. Doesn’t author!jackass realize that, unless she gets hit by a car, I’ll almost definitely die first.
Cameron: Hit by a car. That’s beginning to sound like a good idea.
House: No you don’t. No way you are going to leave fic!me to raise three of them.

Cameron thought they had it good for now. They had bought a house and Wilson would often come to visit. With whatever wife at the time. Don’t get Cameron wrong, she loved Wilson, but he just couldn’t keep himself away from his work. And she knew that was the reason why he was in thouch with his divorce lawyer on a daily bases. Well that and the fact that he spend almost all of his free time at House and Camerons’s place.

Wilson: Did she say that my job is marrying lots of women? And that I call a divorce lawyer every day?
House: I think she means that you get divorced because you split your time between oncology and visiting us, meaning Cameron, the kids and me. *grabs wastepaper basket and starts puking*
Wilson: House, what’s the matter? Did you take another overdose?
House: No. I’m okay. It was just the thought of “us” meaning Cameron and me, with or without kids.

Cameron was happy that House didn’t spend that much time at the office. It seemed that their role as a parent were important to them both and House was really trying to be a good father. She knew that she wasn’t the best mother, but she did the best she could and there have been cases of which House was the one that helped her with the children. She was now in her second semester in her pregnancy and her belly was starting to show. It was great to welcome another child into this world. Because she loved being a mother. She often believed that being married to House and being a mother was her destiny. And she didn’t mind that thought a bit, in fact she loved that idea.

House: If you want to be a part-time doctor, you go into dermatology or plastic surgery. With Cameron’s specialty she could treat allergies a couple of days a week. But how do you do diagnostics part-time?
Chase: If you don’t figure out what’s wrong with the patient immediately, I guess you ask them not to get any sicker for a while because you are scheduled to make lunch for your kids the next day so you won’t be in.
House: Okay, but this is supposed to be me. Why would author!ignoramus think that I would put my personal life ahead of finding the diagnosis?
Chase: Beats me.
House: Great, I get to use my cain to something useful. *hits Chase with cane*

House turned his head to face cameron and said in a playfull way “So, wanna help me ruin all of this fun I am having with joining me in the bedroom”. A tiny bit of pink crept into Cameron’s cheeks. House noticed and he felt a odd feeling in his stomach. The kind of feeling he got whenever she would smile or blush. How he was so stupid to actually be so close to losing her, he never knew. But he was happy that she didn’t disappear out of his life for good and that they were bonded for the rest of their life.

Foreman: Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe they do share one life. It has certainly become too boring to stretch to two people.
House: An “odd feeling” in my stomach? Can’t be getting hard, there’s nothing odd about that feeling.
Wilson: Maybe it’s nausea.
House: That I feel whenever I see Cameron smile or blush? That makes sense.
*Cameron punches House on the arm*
House: Now you remind me of Stacy.

She nodded in agreement, knowing fully well that it was his way of flirting with her. House smirked and raised his head up a bit so that he could capture his lips with her’s.

“Come on my hubby” Cameron got up as she took his hand that wasn’t balancing him with the help of his cane. They walked togheter towards their bedroom and quietly closed and locked the door.

House: And the hell with the patient.

Chapter 3

Drabbles, revisited

2007-03-19T02:57:35Z

Title: Book Quote Drabbles (version 2)
Author: Poeia
Rating: PG-13 for a couple of words every 8-year-old knows
Spoilers: Reference to the Tritter arc and Half-Wit.
Summary: Ten drabbles, exactly 100 words each.
Disclaimer: All rights to House MD belong to David Shore, Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions in association with NBC Universal Television Studio. I do not make any monetary profit from this fanfiction.
Note: Once I decided to post these somewhere other than my seldom seen journal I had to rewrite a few of these (hence “version 2.”). I don’t know that they’re any better now, but at least I got House out of rehab.

The Writing Challenge: Pick a novel (or book), preferably one of more than 100 pages in length, and take the first (full) sentence off of the top of page 10, 20, 30, 40 & etc. until you have ten quotes. Take said ten quotes and write drabbles based on them. You can use the whole quote, or just a section, even a word – all that matters is that you stay faithful to the first sentence part of the challenge.

I keep seeing responses this challenge Anamatics posed. As much as I’ve enjoyed reading them, I haven’t found any using the book I would choose. It seemed appropriate to base the first real piece of fiction I’ve written in years on the first novel from a very promising author, Hugh (something… I’m sure I’ve got his name written down somewhere around here.) Anyway, the novel is very good. Read it if you get the chance. It’s called “The Gun Seller.”

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Page 10 – The high, round cheek-bones implied Orientalness, but that disappeared as soon as you reached her eyes, which were also round, and large, and bright grey.

People talked about House’s eyes. How intense they were. How blue. They fell all over themselves looking for the perfect word to describe the color, thinking they were being original. Morons.

They didn’t talk like that about Wilson. They’d say his eyes were a warm brown, never noticing how Wilson could look at you and know. Just know. Only Wilson could make House feel guilty. When Wilson stared at him, House felt guilty for all the things he had done. He even felt guilty about what he was going to do but hadn’t thought of yet.

House hated Wilson’s eyes.

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Page 20 – I’d said it would it work with butter? and they’d said no, but it would work with whatever is troubling your spirit.

House was a pessimist at heart. He’d say he was a realist. He didn’t think that kitten, rainbows and hugging his patients made the world a better place. When things went well, he knew it was only a matter of time before it all fell apart again.

He wasn’t surprised when the ketamine stopped working. He told Cuddy it would last, but House knew he would be in the 50% whose pain returned. That’s why he didn’t try the booster treatment – even if it worked, it would only be another temporary fix. He refused to indulge in false hope again.

==========

Page 30 – Lang, I want you to know I could have you arrested the second you leave this building.

Spending a night in jail never bothered House. He’d done it before. When he was working in bars to pay for school there was always a drunk ready to take on the tall piano player.

Once a patient had him arrested for assault. He’d saved the moron’s life but the patient didn’t see it that way (until he got a second, third and fourth opinion from other doctors.)

Usually House felt it added to his mystique. But this time, sitting on a cold concrete floor being serenaded by a drunk just wasn’t as much fun as it used to be.

==========

Page 40 – What sort of job?

After the infarction House stayed home. Stacy dragged him to rehab every Monday, Wednesday and Friday on her way to work and at lunchtime Wilson brought him back. Other than that, House never went anywhere.

Physio over, he’d wait in the Nephrology office. He was on disability leave. Most of the other members of the department disliked (or were afraid of) him, but they’d still consult with him on a tricky diagnosis. And House would get caught up in the case and forget about his pain for a while.

Sometimes Cuddy would watch from the open doorway, smiling to herself.

==========

Page 50 – The estate agents had moved on to the subject of women’s breasts, from which they were extracting much humour.

Lisa Cuddy was proud of her breasts. That was obvious at first glance. She was Dean of Medicine but her clothes didn’t say “I’m a serious professional.” No, everything she wore screamed “look at my breasts!”

At second glance, observers realized that her clothes were right. Dr. Cuddy did, indeed, have a pair worth glancing at. Even staring at. Ever obliging, House was only too willing to give his boss what she wanted, admiring her breasts at every opportunity. But, if the truth be told, House was really an ass man.

Of course, Cuddy’s ass was worth looking at too.

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Page 60 – To follow somebody, without them knowing that you’re doing it, is not the doddle they make it seem in films.

There were five people House still cared about. House, being House, showed his affection differently than most people did.

He had to know everything about them. If they tried to keep anything back, hold anything private, he’d pry and prod until they gave in. Deep down, House felt that was the only way to keep them safe.

That need extended to always knowing where they were. Wilson, Cuddy and his team sometimes joked that he probably had them lojacked.

Only five people in the world. Six if you counted his mom. But he always knew where she was – with him.

==========

Page 70 – Yes?

He knew he used too much Vicodin. Nagging him was idiotic.

They didn’t understand was how much pain he was in. Real, physical pain. Pain from his damaged nerves, from his abused muscles and from his life. Before the infarction he often had tension headaches. He’d go for a run until the endorphins kicked in and melted the pain away.

He didn’t get headaches these days. Every bit of stress went straight to his thigh. He couldn’t run the pain away but he could take a Vicodin and wait, barely breathing. The pain didn’t seem to matter so much anymore.

==========

Page 80 – ‘Mr. Lang,’ she said, ‘I’ve come here at my father’s suggestion to say that I’m sorry.’

Everybody lies. He kept telling them that, yet they assumed he wasn’t lying to them.

Once they found out he wasn’t dying, he knew it would be a very long time before he got his hands on Cuddy’s ass or his tongue down Cameron’s throat again. (Of course he kissed her back. Why waste a perfectly good opportunity?)

Wilson would forgive him – eventually. And Foreman’s only real concern was that the department not shut down. House did feel a little guilty about Chase. There had been genuine affection in that hug and House couldn’t understand why Chase would like him.

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Page 90 – ‘Well fine,’ I said.

Cuddy, have you completely lost your mind? Why would I go if there won’t be poker?

It’s a fund-raiser. The hospital needs the money and, like it or not, you’re a draw.

I’m not doing it.

No clinic duty for a week.

You don’t mind if I insult potential donors?

House, you wouldn’t! Look, there’s going to be live music. How about if you play with the band? I can point you out, gush about how multi-talented you are and you won’t have to talk to anyone.

And no clinic duty for a week?

Fine.

Okay. But no show tunes.

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Page 100 – Was it a Blenheim?

Foreman always suggested Lupus or Guillain-Barré during the DDX. His ideas were rarely original. His contribution was pointing out why the others’ suggestions couldn’t be right. (And why was he so hung up on those two autoimmune diseases, anyway? Wasn’t that Cameron’s territory?)

Chase sometimes had good ideas. Problem was, he folded as soon as anyone challenged them. Except once. (And then House hit him.)

He’d figure it out. If they named enough diseases (with Foreman shooting them down, one by one) and ran enough tests, eventually House would put all the pieces together and he’d know what it was.

House/Cameron One Shot. Part I

2007-03-10T22:16:57Z

That’s right, Part I.

For my first MST I decided to take on an author who is a little fuzzy on the concept of “one.” She wrote two pieces on the same theme, put them together as chapters, and considers them both “one shots.” And that’s probably a highlight of this OOC mess.

Disclaimer: All rights to House MD belong to David Shore, Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions in association with NBC Universal Television Studio. I do not make any monetary profit from this fanfiction.

House is sitting at his desk, reading a medical journal, when the balcony door flies open. Wilson, obviously agitated, enters.
Wilson: House, how could you?
House: How could I what?
Wilson: *sputters* You… she… you swore you never…
House: Her who? What are you talking about?
Wilson: This! *slams hands holding fistful of papers on House’s desk* You lied to me, House!
House pulls the papers out of Wilson’s hands and briefly glances at the top sheet.
House: *shouting* Cameron, get in here. And bring your playmates with you.
Cameron, Chase and Foreman enter House’s office from the conference room.
Cameron: What’s the matter?
House: I’m not going to suffer through this alone. This is all your fault.
Cameron: What is?
House: Bad!fic!

Hi guys, this is a House and Cameron One Shot. I hope you like it so please read it and give me some feedback. I would so love to hear what you think of it. Also if you are a Naley fan, read my Naley One shot, it’s called [story name deleted to protect the identity of author!person and the sanity of the reading public]. Anyway, enjoy.

Chase: What’s a “Naley?”
Foreman: No idea. *checks website* Author!person got the title of her other fic wrong.

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything from One Tree Hill.

All: Huh?

Cameron could feel the sun on her face. She was in a kind of half awake, half asleep state lying in the bed under the covers. She reached out to the other side of the king size bed, but she didn’t find what she was looking for. The space beside her was cold. And she knew that he was probably already showered and was sitting on the coach watching his show.

Chase: Sounds like she was looking for a “who,” not a “what.” And why would he be sitting on a coach?
House: Maybe he had money on a game the coach’s team lost.
Foreman: I think it’s supposed to be “couch.” Actually, that paragraph isn’t too bad, although it could use a comma after “state.”

Suddenly she heard a loud noise of some sort coming from the kitchen. What was that? She thought.

Chase: “She thought.” Well, I guess there’s a first time for everything.
Cameron: *glares at Chase*

Cameron got up from bed and looked around for her bathrobe, so that she could cover her naked body. She quickly ran into the bathroom to see if it was there, but she couldn’t find it, and then she spotted one of House’s t-shirt’s lying on the floor. She grabbed it and pulled it over her head.

Wilson: House, why is your t-shirt lying on the floor of Cameron’s bathroom?
House: It’s a fic. It never happened.
Cameron: And it never will happen.

Cameron then ran as fast as she could down the stairs to the kitchen. Then she saw them. It put a huge smile to her face.

Cameron: Right. “It” ran up to me, and glued a smile to my face.

House was holding a pan in his hand and was deeply concentrated on making pancakes.

Chase: House now comes in a convenient concentrated form. Just add water.
Wilson: Making pancakes for you is my job.

Their little brown haired five-year-old girl was sitting on the counter. She had her hands in a bowl that seemed to contain flour.

Wilson: *anguished* You have a daughter with her?
House: *gently pets Wilson’s shoulder* It only “seemed” to contain flour. It’s really anthrax. I’m trying to get rid of the brat.

And then there was their oldest child, an eight-year-old blue eye who was watching his father make the pancakes. He looked so amazed and happy. He had grown so fast that Cameron sometimes couldn’t believe it.

Foreman: That should be “older child” unless there’s a third kid who’s locked in the basement and never mentioned.
Chase: Could be. Considering that this one is an eye, there’s no telling what hideous mutations their other children might have.
House: He’s obviously a retarded eye. Why else would he be amazed to see me add milk to a bowl of pancake mix?

It seemed as if none of them noticed that she was watching them and she didn’t really mind. She could get used to this. But Cameron knew from the look of House’s face that she would have to snap out of it and get him some painkillers right away.

Foreman: “On House’s face,” not “of.”
Cameron: *snaps fingers*
House: What are you doing?
Cameron: I’m snapping out of it. Author!person doesn’t say what “it” is, but I’m hoping this might help snap me out of this fic altogether.

“What is going on?” She asked referring to the kitchen mess. She couldn’t remember when was the last time she found the kids and House cooking. Actually on second thought they never cooked.

Foreman: Comma after “asked,” “actually” and “thought;” small “s” on the first “she” and lose “when was.”
Chase: *glancing ahead* Foreman, pace yourself. It gets worse.

“Well, well, good afternoon to you too.” House looked at her. She then noticed that he had a little bit of flour on his left cheek.

“You do realise that it is late afternoon missy,” He asked joking.

Foreman: Author!person isn’t English. Americans spell it “realize.” Also, “he” should be lower case and there should be a comma before “missy.”
Cameron: Who cares how you punctuate it? This is fair warning – anyone who calls me “missy” isn’t going to live long enough to regret it.

“House, what is going on? She asked again while trying to get the flower of his cheek.

Chase: The “flower of his cheek.” That directly below the sinus cavity, isn’t it?
House: Apparently my face is so dirty that plant life is now growing on it.
Wilson: I’ll get a washcloth and get it off.
House: Wilson, there is no “flour” or “flower” on my face.

“That is for me to know and for you to wonder”. He once again turned his attention to the stove and his waffles.

Chase: He’s making pancakes and waffles?
Wilson: I have a great waffle recipe. If I knew you liked them, I would have made them for you.
House: Wilson!

He had noticed that her hair was curled into loose waves. He loved it when she hair was curly.

Chase: Right, “she hair” is very nice when it’s curly.

“I was finishing up my clinic charts” She suddenly said. He looked at her, wondering what she was talking about. “That is the reason why I was so late to bed last night and that is the reason why I am up so late today”. She explained.

Foreman: She managed to make the same grammar mistake twice in the same paragraph. I’m going to explain once and then ignore it for the rest of this story. When you write a quotation followed by a dependent clause, you put a comma before the end quote. The first word of the dependent clause is only capitalized if it is a proper name.

“That is a dangerous thing too do, then Cuddy gets all happy about you doing your job. And thrust me, none of us want to see Cuddy happy”. He said.

Cuddy: *enters* House, are you talking about me behind my back?
House: Absolutely not. “Thrust me” Cuddy, I’d much rather do it to your front. Speaking of which, I’d be happy to thrust…
Cuddy and Wilson: House!

“She can be a real pain in the..” He suddenly realised the children were there. “Well, you know what I am talking about” He waved his hands in the air.

House: Why is fic!me waving his hands in the air?
Chase: Maybe you’re trying to do a magic trick and make this fic disappear. Then we can all go back to practicing medicine. *checks* Damn, it didn’t work.

“Mommy, look, I am making pancakes”. The little girl named joy said.

Cameron: I am not one of those people who would use creative capitalization when naming a child. Her name should be “Joy.”

“Yeah, I see that”. She then looked at House. “Why are my children covered in flour” She was once again looking for answers as to why House was in the kitchen and making pancakes. This was definitely once in a lifetime thing to see.

Foreman: Even if the quote isn’t followed by another clause, the end punctuation belongs inside the quotation marks. And she’s missing an “a” before “once.”

“These little people were so eager to be fed, and they just couldn’t wait for their mother to get up. That is why my dear wifey I am standing here making pancakes.”

Cameron: Okay, my warning includes calling me “wifey.” My name is Allison Cameron. I’m also okay with “Ally,” “dear” or “honey.” But no one gets to call me “wifey.”

Cameron raised her eyebrows and nodded her head. “And there is no other reason as to why you are doing this?” The little boy named Ethan giggled, as did the little girl, Joy.

She noticed that House was looking at them in an odd way, while his pointing finger covered his mouth.

She decided to not push it. Whatever it was she would find out sooner or later.

“I am going to take a shower, okay?” She looked at House. He just nodded while limping over to the little boy and taking the spoon away from him.

“I know you are up to something” She said to House and went upstairs to shower.

After she finished her shower she went downstairs again. The kitchen was not that bad, and at least Ethan and Joy were eating. However by the looks of their face the pancakes were not very good.

Foreman: Wow. She wrote six short, consecutive paragraphs that made sense and didn’t contain any unexpected grammar errors. It should, however, be “on their faces.” Plural.
Chase: Don’t forget that the boy is just a giant eye. He probably has to share a face with his sister.

“Where is your father?” she asked although knowing the answer. Joy confirmed it all when she said that her daddy had left for work.

This was starting to become a routine for them as a family now. Although they still had their shares of fights and troubles, House and Cameron were actually starting to appear as a functional family.

Cuddy: Appearances can be deceiving.

Cameron, to this day, couldn’t believe that House had managed to change so much. Not only himself, but also her soul. He would never let the people forget the House they all know, but he seemed to be a happier person. Although he didn’t show that side to that many people.

House: Her old soul was getting kind of ratty-looking. So I changed it for a nice, sparkling blue one to match my eyes.

Cameron remembered one of their dates. The one where he had told her that she didn’t love but she needed. That she was just looking for a new charity case. He listed a bunch of reasons as to why she couldn’t possibly love him. He was twice her age, he wasn’t great looking, or charming. He also told her that he didn’t consider himself as a nice person. In a way he was right. Okay so he maybe he was twice her age and not very nice to other people. He was, still is, great looking, that’s for sure. When he told her that she needed he was right. She did need someone to love and someone that she could thrust as well as spend her life with. She still does and she likes to believe that she has found that in him.

Chase: Shouldn’t the two of you save all that thrusting for the sex scene.
Wilson: Sex scene?
House: No sex scenes. It’s rated “T.”
Cameron: Thank god!

House told her once that she wasn’t the only one who needed, he felt sometimes the same way. But when she would try to bring it up again he would just change the subject. So they never really talked about it again.

House: The only thing I “need” is to break all of author!person’s fingers so she can never write again.

A few years ago, just as Cameron was finishing her clinic hours House came up to her and asked out. Just like that. She figured it had something to do with her soon leaving and therefore he would want to take a great opportunity to crush her once again. After a lot of convincing from Wilson, she said yes. Oddly, she had actually enjoyed herself that night. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depends on how you look at it, she and House and managed to get drunk and lived the dream they so often dreamt about eachother.

Wilson: Why would I try to convince Cameron to go out with House?
House: Apparently in order for me to crush her again. I don’t remember crushing her before, but it sounds like a good idea. I could scrape what was left of her off the bottom of my shoe and be done with this fic.
Foreman: Comma after “hours.” And I’m not going to touch that last sentence.

So nights after nights they keeped on seeing each other and after a while, they fell in love. Cameron couldn’t believe it when House had told her that he had feelings for her. She just stood there for about five minutes not knowing what to say. Then she told him that she felt the same way and the next thing she knew they had gotten married.

Cuddy: Foreman, you’re the neurologist. I want you to do a full work-up on Cameron. She has complete amnesia from the time she told House that she reciprocated his feelings until after their marriage. I can’t have a doctor with major memory lapses practicing in this hospital.
Chase: It would explain a lot.
Cameron: *glares at Chase*
Chase: What? Why else would you have keeped seeing him nights after nights?
Foreman: Who cares why, as long as it gets me out of reading this fic. You guys carry on. I’ll go into the other room to schedule Cameron’s tests.

“Mommy, the pancakes are getting cold” Ethan said. “Yeah, mommy, eat this horrible food” Joy said.

Cameron looked at her “ You have been listening to your father way to much”. Cameron knew that House tried his best to keep his comments to himself when he was around the children. But somehow when the comments came out, he would look at her with an innocent face expression and say “It just slipped”. This happened a lot around Foreman and Chase as well as with Wilson and Cuddy. Especially around Cuddy.

Chase: Hey, author!person. Don’t bring me into this mess. If Ethan, The Eye, is eight years old, I’ve finished my fellowship and moved on. To another state. Preferably one on the other side of the country.
Cuddy: It’s a good thing I sent Foreman out of the room. That’s the second time author!person mixed up “to” and “too.”

The day had gone by very fast by and Cameron was done cleaning the kitchen and now she just wanted to realax on the couch with a good book.

Cameron: Oh, I want a “real ax” alright. I’ll use on anyone who tries to call me “missy.”

“Oh my pretty wife, where are you?. House yelled from the hallway. Cameron got up and smiled at him.

“You do realise that it is almost eight O’clock and the kids are slepping”. This was her way of teasing him, by pretending to be serious and mad. But she didn’t last long as he leaned on his cane and tickled her with his other hand.

All: *look for Foreman*
Wilson: I’ll do it. “O’clock” should have a lower case “o,” the kids are “sleeping” and stop tickling her.

Cameron managed to escape from his tickling and sat on the couch once again. He walked beside her and while walking towards their bedroom, he said “Wanna joing your hubby in the bedroom?”. She looked at him and shrugged. She then got up which put a smirk on his face.

House: Cameron standing up always puts a smirk on my face.
Chase: “Joing” sounds filthy, which is guess is appropriate in this context.

When she had managed to get her cute little but, as House was fond of calling it, up to their bedroom, Cameron found House sitting on the bed with something in his hands. It looked like a present.

House: No ifs, ands or buts about it, I would never call her butt a “cute, little but.”
Wilson: You’d better not call anything about her “cute.”

“What are you doing” She asked “And what are you hiding?”.

He chuckled. “Wow, aren’t we couries today”. Cameron smiled.

All: *silence*
Chase: Maybe she means…
House: Doubt it.

House had a though time admitting it, but he always loved it when she would smile. She had some sort of power, it was enough to light up an entire room. That was the reason why he devote so much of his time to make her smile.

Cuddy: House never has a “though” time admitting anything.

House looked at the spot next to him on the bed. “Are you just going to stand there?”. “Come and sit next to me and take vicodin with you”.

Cameron: How romantic. And Vicodin is a brand name. It starts with a capital letter.

Camerom took the bottle which contained vicodin from the shelf near the door, and sat down on the bed next to him. She handed him the painkillers and some water, which was lying on the night stand. He swallowed two vicodin, but his other hand was still covering something.

“What is that?” She pointed at his hand. “What are you hiding?”.

He uncovered somesort of present. She looked at it couries as to what he was up too. “Here, take a look at it”. House gave it to Cameron.

Cameron: That’s the second time author!person has called me “couries.” I have never been couries in my life!
Chase: She’s not talking about you. She’s talking about someone named “Camerom.”
Cameron: Well, what’s she doing in my husband’s bedroom?
House: Cameron!
Cameron: *mutters* Sorry.

She opened it and saw a neckless. It was the same one that she showed to Foreman and said that she would want to buy it.

Chase: It’s less a neck and more a pair of earrings.

“Foreman told me and pluss you have been starting at that neckless every time we passed by the store.” He told her. She smiled and said “Thank you”.

House: I know I have a slight speech impediment. But I can say “plus” and “necklace” without hissing.

House leaned on his cane and got up from bed. “Come on” He waved his hand as a way to show her that she should follow him.

She got up and walked behind him as he went down to Ethan and Joy’s bedroom. He was about to open the door however he felt Cameron’s hand on his shoulder. “They are sleeping, remember?” She whispered.

Cameron: We’re both doctors. We can’t afford a house with three bedrooms so our son and daughter don’t have to sleep together?

“Oh, they have you fooled” He opened the door. Cameron saw Ethan and Joy sitting on Ethan’s bed hiding something behind their back. House looked at her “I am their father, remember?”. She had to laugh, She couldn’t believe that they weren’t actually sleeping.

Chase: Only one back. Looks like Joy also has to share her back with The Eye.
Cameron: I was so shocked that two children were actually not sleeping that I passed out and didn’t wake up until the fic was over.
House: Nice try. Keep reading.

She didn’t know if she should be mad or happy. “Happy mother’s day, mommy” Ethan and Joy said.

Foreman: *yelling from conference room* Did she remember to capitalize “Mother’s Day?”
All: No.

And then it hit her. It was in fact mother’s day today. No wonder House and the children were cooking in the kitchen and no wonder that he had let her sleep that long. He never let her sleep without having him drag her out of the bed claiming that he was bored and wanted her to entartain him.

Wilson: House, I’ll “entartain” you any time you want. [A/N: “Entartain” is tough to type. Word keeps correcting it automatically.]
House: I’m a night owl. It’s canon. Why would I regularly wake up first?

“Here mommy”. Joy said as Ethan handed her a small present. She took it and opened it. It was a book. House sat down with the children on the bed wanttin to se her reaction. When she smiled he knew he did something good.

Chase: “Wanttin to se?”
House: Maybe she means “wanton.” *leers*
Cameron and Wilson: House!

“Thank you so much. All of you” Cameron kissed Ethan and Joy on the cheek. House started limping towards the door. “Okay, go to sleep now”. He looked at Ethan and Joy.

It was his idea to name the children Ethan and Joy. He rememberd when Ethan was born. It was near Chrismas and Cameron was visiting Chase and Foreman while he stayed at home and then suddenly she called him saying that she was in labor. On his way to the hospital to see Cameron, he got stuck in traffic.

Cuddy: That’s not unusual at Chrismas. Traffic is almost as bad then as it is at Christmas.

He was scared that day but he never told it to anyone. When House saw his newborn son he knew that he would want name him Ethan. After his grandfather. Unlike the relationship he had with his father, House was very fond of his grandfather. Mostly because his grandfather would listen to him and watch television with him.

House: I was right to be scared. She gave birth to a giant eyeball.
Chase: Did they even have television when you were a kid?
House: *glares at Chase*

Now those days were gone. House was a father. Who would have seen that one? He thought. Cameron smiled at their children and stood by House. “Good night and thank you” Then she turned to House. “Wanna go to bed?”. House smirked “Sure” and followed Cameron. He wasn’t in the mood to sleep that much.

Chase: First Cameron thought and now House did. It must be contagious.
Cuddy: By any chance, was that thought about how you should be getting back to work?
House: Nope. I was thinking about the sequel.
Cameron: *desperate* But it’s a “one shot.” It says so.
House: It looks like author!person wrote two one shots. She then put them together in the same fic, kind of like chapters.
Chase: Fine. Whatever.
House: You guys take a break in the other room. I need a few minutes with Wilson to discuss the difference between fiction and reality.
As Cameron, Chase and Cuddy rush from the room, House yells: But I want you back here in twenty minutes!

Author's Note: Hey, guys. Hope you liked reading this. Please let me know what you think!

All: Trust us, author!person. You don’t want to know what we think.

Chapter II

Drabbles

2007-02-10T22:41:50Z

Title: My First Drabbles
Author: Poeia
Rating: PG-13 for a couple of swear words
Spoilers: None. Some references to the Tritter arc.
Summary: Ten drabbles, exactly 100 words each.
Disclaimer: All rights to House MD belong to David Shore, Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions in association with NBC Universal Television Studio. I do not make any monetary profit from this fanfiction.

The Writing Challenge: Pick a novel (or book), preferably one of more than 100 pages in length, and take the first (full) sentence off of the top of page 10, 20, 30, 40 & etc. until you have ten quotes. Take said ten quotes and write drabbles based on them. You can use the whole quote, or just a section, even a word – all that matters is that you stay faithful to the first sentence part of the challenge.

I keep seeing responses this challenge. As much as I’ve enjoyed reading them, I haven’t found any using the book I would choose. And it seemed appropriate to base the first real piece of fiction I’ve written in years on the first novel from a very promising author, Hugh (something… I’m sure I’ve got his name written down somewhere around here.) Anyway, the novel is very good. Read it if you get the chance. It’s called “The Gun Seller.”

==========

Page 10 – The high, round cheek-bones implied Orientalness, but that disappeared as soon as you reached her eyes, which were also round, and large, and bright grey.

People talked about House’s eyes. How intense they were. How blue. They fell all over themselves looking for the perfect word to describe the color, thinking they were being original. Morons.

They didn’t talk like that about Wilson. They’d say his eyes were a warm brown, never noticing how Wilson could look at you and know. Just know. Only Wilson could make House feel guilty. When Wilson stared at him, House felt guilty for all the things he had done. He even felt guilty about what he was going to do but hadn’t thought of yet.

House hated Wilson’s eyes.

==========

Page 20 – I’d said it would it work with butter? and they’d said no, but it would work with whatever is troubling your spirit.

House was a pessimist at heart. He’d say he was a realist. When things went well, he knew it was only a matter of time before it all turned into shit. He wasn’t surprised when the ketamine stopped working. He told Cuddy it would last but House knew he’d be in the 50% whose pain returned. He didn’t try the booster treatment – even if it worked, it would only be temporary.

The only thing he could count on was his own ability. His talent and determination were the reasons he could depend on medicine and music when everything else failed.

==========

Page 30 – Lang, I want you to know I could have you arrested the second you leave this building.

Spending a night in jail never bothered House. He’d done it before. When he was working in bars to pay for school there was always a drunk ready to take on the tall piano player.

Once a patient had him arrested for assault. He’d saved the moron’s life but the patient didn’t see it that way (until he got a second, third and fourth opinion from other doctors.)

Usually House felt it added to his mystique. But this time, sitting on a cold concrete floor being serenaded by a drunk just wasn’t as much fun as it used to be.

==========

Page 40 – What sort of job?

After the infarction House stayed home. Stacy dragged him to rehab every Monday, Wednesday and Friday on her way to work and at lunchtime Wilson brought him back. Other than that, House never went anywhere.

Physio over, he’d wait in the Nephrology office. He was on disability leave. Most of the other members of the department disliked (or were afraid of) him, but they’d still consult with him on a tricky diagnosis. And House would get caught up in the case and forget about his pain for a while.

Sometimes Cuddy would watch from the open doorway, smiling to herself.

==========

Page 50 – The estate agents had moved on to the subject of women’s breasts, from which they were extracting much humour.

Lisa Cuddy was proud of her breasts. That was obvious at first glance. She was Dean of Medicine but her clothes didn’t say “I’m a serious professional.” No, everything she wore screamed “look at my breasts!”

At second glance, observers realized that her clothes were right. Dr. Cuddy did, indeed, have a pair worth glancing at. Even staring at. Ever obliging, House was only too willing to give his boss what she wanted, admiring her breasts at every opportunity. But, if the truth be told, House was really an ass man.

Of course, Cuddy’s ass was worth looking at too.

==========

Page 60 – To follow somebody, without them knowing that you’re doing it, is not the doddle they make it seem in films.

There were five people House still cared about. House, being House, showed his affection differently than most people did.

He had to know everything about them. If they tried to keep anything back, hold anything private, he’d pry and prod until they gave in. Deep down, House felt that was the only way to keep them safe.

That need extended to always knowing where they were. Wilson, Cuddy and his team sometimes joked that he probably had them lojacked.

Only five people in the world. Six if you counted his mom. But he always knew where she was – with him.

==========

Page 70 – Yes?

He knew he used too much Vicodin. Nagging him was idiotic.

They didn’t understand was how much pain he was in. Real, physical pain. Pain from his damaged nerves, from his abused muscles and from his life. Before the infarction he often had tension headaches. He’d go for a run until the endorphins kicked in and melted the pain away.

He didn’t get headaches these days. Every bit of stress went straight to his thigh. He couldn’t run the pain away but he could take a Vicodin and wait, barely breathing. The pain didn’t seem to matter so much anymore.

==========

Page 80 – ‘Mr. Lang,’ she said, ‘I’ve come here at my father’s suggestion to say that I’m sorry.’

House didn’t take rehab seriously. He sat in group, listening to the losers bitch and moan their way through the twelve steps while he made jokes about getting stuck on step three. That’s the one about surrendering your will to a higher power. House never surrendered.

But it was step nine that wormed its way into his thoughts during the day and his dreams at night. Making amends. The money, the car, even the forged scrip weren’t important. But Wilson had given up his practice trying to keep House safe from Tritter. How could House ever make amends for that?

==========

Page 90 – ‘Well fine,’ I said.

Cameron had become a lot more annoying since the shooting. She didn’t have a crush on House any more, but she had become obsessed with him. She was so consumed with figuring out what House was feeling, she sometimes had trouble focusing on the DDX. Why couldn’t she get it through her skull that House didn’t analyze his emotions? And he never discussed them.

“I’m fine by the way. Thanks for asking,” Cameron sniped, annoyed that House hadn’t inquired.

“I’m fine by the way. Thanks for asking,” House echoed hours later, his head in the toilet.

They were both lying.

==========

Page 100 – Was it a Blenheim?

Foreman always suggested Lupus or Guillain-Barré during the DDX. His ideas were rarely original. His contribution was pointing out why the others’ suggestions couldn’t be right. (And why was he so hung up on those two autoimmune diseases, anyway? Wasn’t that Cameron’s territory?)

Chase sometimes had good ideas. Problem was, he folded as soon as anyone challenged them. Except once. (And then House hit him.)

He’d figure it out. If they named enough diseases (with Foreman shooting them down, one by one) and ran enough tests, eventually House would put all the pieces together and he’d know what it was.

The Footnote Fic, Part 5 – Without the Footnotes

2007-01-14T20:51:47Z

Title: The Footnote Fic, Part 5/5

Authors: JennifferButterfly and Poeia
Rating: T for Teen (aka PG-13)
Parts: Five Parts
Summary: House takes on a new patient during a storm and the entire story has been footnoted! As we always say, every story should be well explained.
Author's note: I made a joke on TwoP, lautre made a challenge and JennifferButterfly and I rose (sank?) to the occasion. Also we were bored during the mini-hiatus.
Disclaimer: All rights to House MD belong to David Shore, Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions in association with NBC Universal Television Studio. I do not make any monetary profit from this fanfiction.
Warnings: Spoilers for all seasons.

Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four

Chapter 1:
Chase was helping out in the ICU when they brought in a patient he knew would interest House. She had no family, she was comatose, and, best of all, no one knew why.

As he hurried down the hall towards Diagnostics, he couldn't help but wonder how to present the case to House. Finally he reached the office and swung open the door. "Ah," House said, "it seems as though the wombat has finally arrived."

“Do you have a case for us, Chase?” Cameron asked. She was sitting at the conference room table, stirring some creamer into her coffee, while Foreman was pouring himself a drink as well.

“Yeah,” said Chase. “Look at this chart.” He then meandered over to the conference table and sat down across from Cameron. From there he tossed the folder onto the table and waited for somebody to pick it up.

“Boring,” said House nonchalantly. It was quickly followed with a yawn while he played with his Gameboy. “Now I’m not going to get you that collar and leash for your birthday.”

“House,” groaned Chase, “you haven’t even looked at the chart yet. How do you know it’s not interesting?” By now Foreman was sitting at the conference table and he’d decided to be the one to flip through the patient’s file.

Just as Foreman was about to open his mouth and begin talking about the patient, there was a large crackling of thunder from outside. All of House’s fellows and House himself looked out the window in shock as to how fast this storm had moved in. “Well,” House said, “so much for me going to track practice.”

After a quick look out the window, Chase quickly began to recite the patient history. Alice Underwood was a 58-year-old, emaciated, white female with no living relatives. She had worked as a bookkeeper at a local grocery chain for the last 30 years before she became terrified of her adding machine about a year ago. Other phobias, such as a fear of keys, quickly followed.

“Yeah, yeah. She doesn’t need us, she needs a psych consult.” House said as he peered out the window to watch the storm.

Cameron sighed and took the folder from Foreman to review. “It says here that she got one and doctors found nothing wrong with her besides the fears. That and psychological issues don’t explain the coma.” She whined.

At that moment, another loud, deafening thunderclap roared through the sky. It caught everybody off guard, but more so with Chase, who was afraid of thunder. He sank lower into his chair and tried to plug his ears. Foreman looked at him and laughed until he saw a lightning bolt and screamed like a little girl before diving under the desk. House just looked at the two like they were both insane. Cameron looked at House like he was an asshole for not looking at her.

Chapter 2:
Chase pulled himself together and, ignoring House and Cameron, continued the patient history. A few months ago the patient started having hallucinations. She refused to go near the produce section of the store because she was convinced the celery was stalking her and the currants were planning to electrocute her. A friend from work started picking her up in the morning and driving her home at night so she would not have to drive anymore.

“About three months ago,” Chase concluded, “the patient stopped eating and sleeping. Her friend tried to take her to see a doctor but she was terrified to go. After that, she was placed on sick leave from work. Her friend continued to check up on her every day but this morning, Alice hadn’t answered the phone. Her friend went to her apartment and, finding her unconscious, called 911.”

When Chase finished reading off the rest of the patient history, the storm really started to pick up. At one point the winds outside were blowing so hard that Cameron thought she saw a cat fly by and insisted that she must go outside and help it. House and the others just rolled their eyes at her. House sighed and looked to the white board. “Coma, eh?” Chase nodded. “Well then, I guess I’ll take the case.”

Just then, without warning, a shrub in a small planter flew off the balcony’s edge and went straight through the window. Unfortunately, it missed Cameron’s head. “Whoa!” Foreman yelled as the wind picked up and blew things around in the office. The team knew that the conference room was now no longer safe with the window broken so they decided to move shop next door.

“What’s going on here?” Wilson asked. “I heard the window break and came in to see if everybody was ok.”

“Well, we definitely can’t work in here.” House said while he pondered the situation. With the newly broken window, it would be hard to get anything done. Especially since the wind would now be blowing in, bringing rain and debris with it. House sighed and looked at his team. “Alright, let’s move into my office.”

Wilson nodded. “Fine, Foreman and I can move the white board in there.” He then tapped on the top of the conference room table. “Hey, Foreman?”

“Is it over?” Foreman asked.

House and pretty much everybody else rolled their eyes at the neurologist. The only one who didn’t do so was Cameron, who was now feeling strangely attracted to Foreman’s weak side. “Foreman, just get out of there and help me move the white board.” Wilson said.

After coaxing him out, Wilson and Foreman got to moving the white board with Cameron directing them. Chase, on the other hand, was grabbing the patient’s folder and the coffee machine. “Careful, ok, a little bit more to the right. Not too much, ok, careful…careful…” Cameron said. Then, all of the sudden, Foreman ran his side into the glass partition separating House’s office from the conference room. Cameron gave a meek smile. “Oops, did I say right? I meant left.”

Faced with glass, water and shrubbery all over the Diagnostics Department, House decided that they would have to move out of the office entirely. “Cuddy doesn’t use her office to practice medicine” he announced. “We can set up shop there.”

“House,” Wilson pontificated, “Cuddy uses her office for other, important things.”

“I know,” House leered. “But today it’s going to be used to save a patient’s life.”

Chapter 3:
House gathered all the most important items in his office – his Gameboy, his oversized tennis ball, his yoyo and his iPod. He piled them into Chase’s arms, admonishing “Don’t drop them.” He then put his headphones around his neck, slid his mini TV in his left pocket and his bottle of Vicodin in his right and headed out the door.

Chase sighed and dropped House’s toys into the pockets of his lab coat. He handed the coffee maker to Foreman, picked up Alice’s file again and they all followed House into the hallway.

House and the rest approached the elevator and he tapped the down button with his cane. “So, who’s got an idea I can shoot down?” House asked. He then repeatedly hit the elevator button again, but the lift refused to come.

“Perhaps it broke in the storm?” Foreman suggested as he removed the coffee pot from the coffee maker and took a sip out of it. Chase looked at Foreman with complete disgust at because he got his germs into Chase’s precious drink by drinking it straight out of the pot.

“Well that’s an interesting theory, but I doubt the patient would go downhill because of a storm. That and she was sick before it began.” House hit the elevator button one last time but then gave up. He sighed and looked around the halls for another option. It was at that point when he noticed something down the Witherspoon Wing.

There were no lights on in the hallways of the Witherspoon Wing. Fortunately there were no ORs or ICUs in that wing either. And all the critical care units were linked directly into the hospital’s emergency generator system. But if the storm was causing power outages, House knew that maintenance would be too busy to worry about a couple of elevators. And, thanks to his leg, the stairs were out of the question.

“Follow me,” House ordered. As they headed back toward the Diagnostics office, House opened the door to a storage closet. He jiggled the switch and the lights came on.

House turned to Foreman and said “Put down that stupid coffee machine and drag the white board in here.” He then turned and said “Cameron, Wilson, get some chairs.”

Once the white board was in a corner of the closet and the entire team, plus Wilson, squeezed into a tight semicircle, House was ready to start work. “DDX people,” he said. “We’ve got panic attacks, phobias, hallucinations, insomnia, rapid weight loss, dementia and coma.”

“I’d say it looks like Fatal Familial Insomnia,” said Chase, “if it weren’t for the familial part. No one in her family had it.”

“Good point,” said House. “Maybe she was adopted. Cameron, go get some DNA from her. If there is power in the labs, check for the mutation.”

Cameron glared at Chase as she headed for the stairs.

After Cameron huffily stomped out of the closet, Wilson turned to House and sighed. “House, you can’t work in here forever. How about you and the others come out and I’ll let you set up in the oncology lounge.”

House smiled. “You mean, you want me to…come out?” He leered. Wilson sighed and rubbed his temples thinking that he shouldn’t be surprised that House would make a joke like that.

“Does the oncology lounge have any windows?” Chase asked warily.

“No, you guys will be safe in there.” Wilson confirmed.

“Well then, let’s get out of this ridiculous place and move.” Foreman started grabbing whatever he could and juggled it on his right arm. From there he grabbed one side of the white board and started dragging it out. “Come on, Chase. Help me move this thing.”

Chase looked at House who waved the two off with his cane. With the approval of his boss, Chase grabbed the other side of the white board and dragged it out with Foreman. With Cameron gone, the two, not so surprisingly, ran into nothing. After they left the closet, House and Wilson walked out right behind them. When they were both back in the hall again, House turned to Wilson. “Hey, we just came out…” he leered again. Wilson rolled his eyes and then the two men followed the others over to the Oncology Lounge.

Chapter 4:
Cameron came running down the hall. She had finished the DNA analysis in record time because DNA likes her. “It is FFI,” she announced as she jerked open the storage room door. She stared into the dark room. “House?” she called out. There was no answer. She dropped into one of the chairs that had been left behind. Then she remembered the pager that was clipped to her belt.

Cameron quickly paged House’s beeper asking him to call her back and tell her where they all went. In reality, Cameron could care less about Chase, Foreman, and Wilson. All that mattered to her was that her not-so-secret crush was missing and she was devastated at the sheer thought of never seeing House again. “Oh, Dear Non-Existent God, why have You allowed this to happen?” she cried to the ceiling, “Why must You forsake me?” Just then, her phone gave off a shrill ring and she looked at the caller ID. With a gasp, she exclaimed with glee, “It’s House! My dear sweet House!” After that, she took a moment to compose herself for the phone call. Finally she answered, “Hello, Snookums…I, uh, mean House.”

“No, we didn’t lose her,” House said to the Chase, Foreman, and Wilson. Cameron could hear them all let out a disappointed “aw” as House answered her. “Cameron, we’re in the…” again, he turned to the men in the room, “should I tell her where we really are?”

“She has the test results.” Wilson said in the background.

“Damn,” House responded. He then talked back into the receiver, “Cameron, we’re in the Oncology Lounge, now hurry up and bring those test results.” Cameron squeaked with joy and left the closet to meet up with the others.

Wilson stood in the middle of the Oncology Lounge, his hands on his hips. “House, before you start on her, let me remind you that she’s done everything you asked all day.”

“Yeah,” House smirked, “like I asked her to break the wall to my office.”

Wilson sputtered and started working up to one of his trademarked House-lectures. Just then Cameron burst through the door of the lounge.

“Thank goodness,” she quavered. “I was so worried.” House stared at her without speaking. “It is Fatal Familial Insomnia. She must have been adopted. You were right again, House.”

“Hey, I…” Chase started to say before House cut him off.

“She’s a neurology patient now, Foreman.” He said triumphantly, like he’d done it once again.

“I’ll get her transferred,” Foreman said as he left.

Just as Foreman left the office, an angry Cuddy stormed in. “House, what the hell has happened to your office? There’s broken glass and water everywhere and a plant is laying in the middle of the room!” She then walked up to House and gave him the evil eye. Their faces were so close to each other’s that Cameron was jealous, which isn’t saying much since Cameron is upset if Cuddy is even in the same room. “Not only that, the place looks like it’s been robbed! The white board is missing, the coffee maker is gone, and all of your toys have gone AWOL.”

House rolled his eyes at Cuddy, “First off, I’d like to say your melons are looking rather ripe today. Second, the office wouldn’t look like that if your building committee knew what they were doing. I didn’t buy shrubs or the stone planters. But maybe you think I limped out to the balcony in the middle of a storm, picked up the planter and threw it through the window. Oh wait, can’t do that – cripple here!

“You’re just lucky no one on my team was standing in front of that idiotic glass wall when that plant came sailing through. Hey, aren’t you the chair of that committee?” Without giving her a chance to reply House continued “It doesn’t matter. Because, in spite of your incompetence I still did my job and diagnosed the patient.”

Chase shifted his stance and rolled his eyes at the ceiling. “Now really, I’m…”

“Oh,” Cuddy interrupted, completely ignoring Chase, “I see. Well, I’m still mad at you, but I’m going to let you get away with it this time because you’re a brilliant doctor and you can solve medical mysteries.” By this point, Chase was stuttering in disbelief, but nobody paid attention to him. “I’ll just be on my way. Oh, and I’ll also send maintenance to your office to clean up.” She then left the Oncology Lounge with her heels clacking around like a horse.

Wilson looked to House. “I know I should be mad at you and giving you one of my trademarked House-lectures, but I’m afraid I must just bask in your brilliance of solving another one, Dr. House.”

Chase gritted his teeth. “You know, this is really…”

“Oh, Dr. House!” Cameron said, cutting off Chase, “Dr. House, you’re my hero!” She then ran to his side and clutched him like a big teddy bear.

“All in a day’s work, Cameron, all in a day’s work. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have soaps to catch up on.” He then victoriously limped out of the office with his two admirers in tow.

Chase on the other hand sighed and kicked the ground. “Where’s a scalpel, I need to cut myself.” He then walked out of the office shutting the door behind him.

And so, with House completing another successful diagnosis all on his own, the day was saved yet again.

The End

The Footnote Fic, Part 4 – The end is in sight

2007-01-14T20:43:45Z

The Footnote Fic

Title: The Footnote Fic, Part 4/5

Authors: JennifferButterfly and Poeia
Rating: T for Teen (aka PG-13)
Parts: Five Parts
Summary: House takes on a new patient during a storm and the entire story has been footnoted! As we always say, every story should be well explained.
Author's note: I made a joke on TwoP, lautre made a challenge and JennifferButterfly and I rose (sank?) to the occasion. Also we were bored during the mini-hiatus.
Disclaimer: All rights to House MD belong to David Shore, Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions in association with NBC Universal Television Studio. I do not make any monetary profit from this fanfiction.The characters belong to David Shore et al. The dementia is all ours.
Warnings: Spoilers for all seasons.

Part One Part Two Part Three

MCGILLMCGILLMCGILLMCGILLMCGILLMCGILL¹

Cameron² quickly paged House’s³ beeper asking him to call her back and tell her where they all went. In reality⁴, Cameron⁵ could care less about Chase⁶, Foreman⁷, and Wilson⁸. All that mattered to her was that her not-so-secret crush was missing and she was devastated⁹ at the sheer¹⁰ thought of never seeing House¹¹ again. “Oh, Dear Non-Existent God¹², why have You allowed this to happen?” she cried to the ceiling, “Why must You forsake¹³ me?” Just then, her phone gave off a shrill¹⁴ ring and she looked at the caller ID. With a gasp, she exclaimed with glee, “It’s House¹⁵! My dear sweet House¹⁶!” After that, she took a moment to compose¹⁷ herself for the phone call. Finally she answered, “Hello, Snookums¹⁸…I, uh, mean House¹⁹.”

--------

1- This was the school that Wilson went to.

2- Cameron changes her hair color and style every year.

3- House took a patient to Atlantic City and he didn’t even go to the casino once.

4- Reality means what is really there. The world as it actually exists is reality.

5- Cameron has treadmill in her living room.

6- Chase loves to do crossword puzzles.

7- Foreman believes that euthanasia, under any circumstances, is murder.

8- Wilson thinks House has a conversion disorder. His pain gets worse when House is upset about something he doesn’t want to deal with.

9- Heartbroken, torn-up²⁰.

10- Completely and utterly outright. It is also a form of textile.

11- The 17 year old daughter of a clinic patient was hitting on²¹ House for a while.

12- Cameron doesn’t believe in a God. That’s why this line is funny.

13- Forsake means to abandon or desert somebody.

14- Loud, high pitched, and annoying. Cameron’s voice is shrill.

15- House once stopped unnecessary surgeon by hocking a loogie onto the surgeon.

16- House rides a motorcycle.

17- To compose yourself is to gather your feelings and become coherent. To prepare yourself.

18- A term of endearment. Other examples include sweetie pie, my love, pumpkin wumpkin, sugar lips, etc.

19- House plays great “air piano.” He should do that again.

20- Not into little pieces, just very very sad.

21- Hitting on somebody is making sure they know you are interested in them. Very interested. And would have sex with them any time, any where.

POKERPOKERPOKERPOKERPOKER¹

“No, we didn’t lose her,” House² said to the Chase³, Foreman⁴, and Wilson⁵. Cameron⁶ could hear them all let out a disappointed “aw”⁷ as House⁸ answered her. “Cameron⁹, we’re in the…” again, he turned to the men in the room, “should I tell her where we really are?”

“She has the test results.” Wilson¹⁰ said in the background.

“Damn,” House¹¹ responded. He then talked back into the receiver¹², “Cameron¹³, we’re in the Oncology Lounge, now hurry up and bring those test results.” Cameron¹⁴ squeaked¹⁵ with joy and left the closet to meet up with the others.

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1- This is House’s favourite game to play and he even has a night of the week set aside for it. Wilson is never invited though.

2- House once gave a patient drugs that would make everyone else think she had the same disease House had decided she had.

3- Chase’s father, Rowan, was originally from Czechoslovakia. It doesn’t exist anymore.

4- Once, when House was being an ass, Foreman decided to go to the movies in the middle of the day. But then House got shot so Foreman changed his mind and stayed.

5- Wilson doesn’t approve of House’s motorcycle.

6- Cameron thinks that pulling money out of her pant line is sexy.

7- The type of aw that is heard when somebody says something like ‘Aw darnit!’

8- House calls all the people he works with by their last names. Except Stacy¹⁶.

9- Cameron also believes that euthanasia is bad. But she went ahead and killed a guy anyway just because House wanted her to. Way to stick to your morals, Cameron.

10- Wilson didn’t have children with any of his three wives.

11- House smokes cigars.

12- Not football receiver. This receiver is the type that is the part of the phone you talk into.

13- Cameron once told Foreman “I managed to make it to 17 without a criminal record.” We assume that means she was arrested when she was 18.

14- Cameron sometimes wears glasses.

15- Squeak as in a high pitched, short tone of excitement. Similar to what rodents do.

16- When Mark Warner was sick¹⁷, Stacy convinced House to cure him even though Mark refused treatment.

17- Mark Warner lost the use of his legs a few years after marrying Stacy because he had AIP¹⁸. It’s a safe guess that next she’ll just go for a man with no legs.

18-. Acute Intermittent Porphyria

OUCHOUCHOUCHOUCH¹

Wilson² stood in the middle of the Oncology Lounge, his hands on his hips³. “House⁴, before you start on her, let me remind you that she’s done everything you asked all day.”

“Yeah,” House⁵ smirked, “like I asked her to break the wall to my office.”

Wilson⁶ sputtered and started working up to one of his trademarked⁷ House-lectures⁸. Just then Cameron⁹ burst¹⁰ through the door of the lounge.

“Thank goodness,” she quavered¹¹. “I was so worried.” House¹² stared at her without speaking. “It is Fatal Familial Insomnia. She must have been adopted. You were right again, House¹³.”

“Hey, I…” Chase¹⁴ started to say before House¹⁵ cut him off.

“She’s a neurology patient now, Foreman¹⁶.” He said triumphantly, like he’d done it once again.

“I’ll get her transferred¹⁷,” Foreman¹⁸ said as he left.

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1- What you say when you are in pain.

2- House steals food from Wilson a lot

3- Wilson always stands like that when he is fed up with House.

4- House speaks several languages including Spanish, Portuguese and Mandarin. He speaks English too, but we thought that’d be obvious.

5- House doesn’t like it when patients know he speaks languages other than English because then they will want to talk to him.

6- Wilson once sawed House’s cane in half as a joke. House actually thought it was funny! He smiled too!!! It was so a Kodak moment.¹⁹

7- Trademarked means that an expression or phrase is proprietary or owned by a company or a person.

8- Wilson owns the expression “House-lecture” and no one can use it without his permission and giving him credit. There is a five dollar royalty attached to it too.

9- Cameron once told House that she, Chase, and Foreman spent the night doing Jell-o shots and having wild sex instead of treating the patient. She was probably joking…probably being the key word.

10- Burst means to break apart. Cameron did not explode (unfortunately) into the room, but she came in with so much force it was as if an explosion pushed her.

11- Spoke with a quiver in one’s voice.

12- House can’t be bothered to learn the names of the guys in his weekly poker game. He calls them “Dry cleaner, tax accountant and guy from the bus stop.”

13- House has been know to tell patients to their faces that they are idiots.

14- Chase’s eyes are blue-green.

15- House once called Cuddy to request a consult for every single clinic patient just to annoy her.

16- One of Foreman’s clinic patients called him an Oreo²⁰ for prescribing a drug that targets an illness that black people are likely to get. The patient was wrong.

17- To transfer a patient is to move them from one place to another. But you have to fill out the paperwork first. House never fills out paperwork.

18- Foreman was mentioned 23 times in this story. That might be a record for a fic in which he isn’t sleeping with Chase.

19- Kodak makes cameras. To say something is a Kodak moment is to say somebody should’ve taken a photo of it.

20- Black on the outside, white on the inside.

KETAMINEKETAMINEKETAMINEKETAMINE¹

Just as Foreman² left the office, an angry³ Cuddy⁴ stormed⁵ in. “House⁶, what the hell⁷ has happened to your office? There’s broken glass and water everywhere and a plant is laying in the middle of the room!” She then walked up to House⁸ and gave him the evil eye⁹. Their faces were so close to each other’s that Cameron¹⁰ was jealous, which isn’t saying much¹¹ since Cameron¹² is upset if Cuddy¹³ is even in the same room. “Not only that, the place looks like it’s been robbed¹⁴! The white board is missing, the coffee maker is gone, and all of your toys have gone AWOL¹⁵.”

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1- The treatment House asked for at the end of season two.

2- Ohh, look! There he is again! Foreman’s on a roll today! He’s up to 24!

3- Mad or unpleased

4- There she is!!! Just like we promised!

5- Storm means bad weather, like found earlier in this fic.

6- House one time stole Stacy’s file from her psychiatrist’s office.

7- Hell is a place that the Christian faith believes the bad people go. It can also be used as a curse word when somebody is mad.

8- House doesn’t like to give speeches.

9- Evil eye is what somebody gives when they’re mad. It’s a mixture between an annoyed eye and a mad eye. People also give you the evil eye if they are trying to put a curse on you. Cuddy probably was not trying to put a curse on House.

10- OK, we’re not sure if you got this yet, but Cameron –really- likes House.

11- To say, “It isn’t saying much” doesn’t necessarily mean you’re using a few words. It can mean that the statement you previously said is kinda obvious or isn’t that big of a deal.

12- Cameron doesn’t own a cat like most single women¹⁶ on TV do.

13- Cuddy once referred to House’s team as minions.

14- A robbery occurs when somebody comes in and steals stuff.

15- AWOL is a military acronym for Absent Without Leave.

16- Cuddy is also single. She also does not own a cat.

DISEASEDISEASEDISEASEDISEASE¹

House² rolled his eyes at Cuddy³, “First off, I’d like to say your melons⁴ are looking rather ripe⁵ today. Second, the office wouldn’t look like that if your building committee⁶ knew what they were doing. I didn’t buy shrubs or the stone planters. But maybe you think I limped out to the balcony in the middle of a storm, picked up the planter and threw it through the window. Oh wait, can’t do that – cripple here!

“You’re just lucky no one on my team was standing in front of that idiotic glass wall⁷ when that plant came sailing through. Hey, aren’t you the chair⁸ of that committee?” Without giving her a chance to reply House⁹ continued “It doesn’t matter. Because, in spite of your incompetence I still did my job and diagnosed the patient.”

Chase¹⁰ shifted his stance¹¹ and rolled his eyes at the ceiling¹². “Now really, I’m…”

“Oh,” Cuddy¹³ interrupted, completely ignoring Chase¹⁴, “I see. Well, I’m still mad at you, but I’m going to let you get away with it this time because you’re a brilliant doctor and you can solve medical mysteries.” By this point, Chase¹⁵ was stuttering in disbelief, but nobody paid attention to him. “I’ll just be on my way. Oh, and I’ll also send maintenance¹⁶ to your office to clean up.” She then left the Oncology Lounge with her heels clacking¹⁷ around like a horse¹⁸.

Wilson¹⁹ looked to House²⁰. “I know I should be mad at you and giving you one of my trademarked House-lectures, but I’m afraid I must just bask²¹ in your brilliance of solving another one, Dr. House²².”

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1- The stuff that House cures.

2- Vogler tried to fire House when he gave that speech because he made fun of Vogler.

3- Cuddy wants to have a baby really badly.

4- Another term for boobs.

5- Her boobs are looking perky.

6- Protected, like from a disease. Buildings can’t get diseases but they can be protected.

7- House doesn’t mean that the glass wall is an idiot. It’s a wall, it isn’t supposed to be able to think. He means that the people who put a glass wall there were idiots.

8- The chair is the head person on a committee.

9- House usually wears jeans to work.

10- Chase’s favourite part of the bible is 1 Peter 1:7

11- Stance means to stand a certain way.

12- The inside version of a roof.

13- Cuddy has been artificially inseminated three times. Two of them never took and she lost the third.

14- Chase hates nuns. Who doesn’t?

15- Chase is known among fans as ‘wall paper’ because the powers that be on the show pretty much do nothing with him.

16-Maintenance are the people who makes sure broken things get fixed.

17- Clacking is to make loud noises that are like clicks. In fanfics Cuddy always clicks or clacks down the halls.

18- A large mammal that people ride and/or use to pull things.

19- Wilson once got a patient who was a major league baseball player to autograph a baseball card for him. He told the player to start it “To Jimmy Wilson…”

20- House has a large collection of t-shirts.

22- To soak up and enjoy.

22- House makes animal noises like lapdogs, cows and chickens really well.

SAVEDTHEDAYSAVEDTHEDAY¹

Chase² gritted³ his teeth. “You know, this is really…”

“Oh, Dr. House⁴!” Cameron⁵ said, cutting off Chase⁶, “Dr. House⁷, you’re my hero⁸!” She then ran to his side and clutched⁹ him like a big teddy bear¹⁰.

“All in a day’s work, Cameron¹¹, all in a day’s work¹². Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have soaps¹³ to catch up on.” He then victoriously limped out of the office with his two admirers¹⁴ in tow.

Chase¹⁵ on the other hand sighed and kicked the ground¹⁶. “Where’s a scalpel, I need to cut myself¹⁷.” He then walked out of the office shutting the door behind him.

And so, with House completing another successful diagnosis all on his own, the day was saved yet again.

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1- What House is taking credit for doing.

2- Chase one time prayed over a dead baby before cutting him up.

3- Gritting is like clenching your teeth really tightly.

4- House apologized to Wilson for stealing prescriptions. He might have even meant it.

5- Cameron doesn’t approve of incest. She thinks this makes her especially moral. (Guess what, Cameron, most people don’t approve of incest.)

6- Chase was double dipping with his paychecks for a while. He did this by working NICU while on vacation.

7- House will not be going to jail.

8- Somebody a person admires because of his or her accomplishments.

9- To hold or squeeze tightly.

10- A stuffed animal that kids, or Cameron, finds pleasure in. They are called teddy bears in honor of President Theodore Roosevelt.

11- Cameron was choked by a patient. Unfortunately people stopped him from finishing the job. Hey, at least she got a nice bruise. Unfortunately she used that to try and get House’s attention. Go figure.

12- In a days work means it’s nothing out of the ordinary.

13- Soaps is short for Soap Opera’s.

14- Admirers are the people who worship a certain person/place/thing.

15- Chase and Foreman once dug up a dead cat.

16- Kicking the ground is done when somebody is upset. It can be done either hard or softly.

17- Another unfortunate cliché found in the fanfic realm.

ENDENDENDEND¹

--------

1- The story is finished.

Part Five

The Footnote Fic, Part 3 – Don’t say you weren’t warned

2007-01-13T22:01:48Z

Title: The Footnote Fic, Part 3/5
Authors: JennifferButterfly and Poeia
Rating: T for Teen (aka PG-13)
Parts: Five Parts
Summary: House takes on a new patient during a storm and the entire story has been footnoted! As we always say, every story should be well explained.
Author's note: I made a joke on TwoP, lautre made a challenge and JennifferButterfly and I rose (sank?) to the occasion. Also we were bored during the mini-hiatus.
Disclaimer: All rights to House MD belong to David Shore, Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions in association with NBC Universal Television Studio. I do not make any monetary profit from this fanfiction.
Warnings: Spoilers for all seasons.

Part One Part Two

STEVESTEVESTEVESTEVE¹

House² gathered all the most important items in his office – his Gameboy, his oversized tennis ball³, his yoyo⁴ and his iPod⁵. He piled them into Chase’s⁶ arms, admonishing⁷ “Don’t drop them.” He then put his headphones⁸ around his neck, slid his mini TV⁹ in his left pocket and his bottle of Vicodin¹⁰ in his right and headed out the door.

Chase¹¹ sighed and dropped House’s¹² toys into the pockets of his lab coat¹³. He handed the coffee maker to Foreman¹⁴, picked up Alice’s file again and they all¹⁵ followed House¹⁶ into the hallway.

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1- Steve McQueen is House’s pet. He is a rat that House caught in Stacy’s attic.

2- When House is concentrating he likes to play with toys such as his balls, which he keeps on his desk. NO! Not those types of balls!

3- This is his favorite ball. It might actually be a dog toy but House likes to play with it anyway.

4- A yoyo is a round toy with a groove in the center that has a string attached. It rolls up and down the string. If you play with a yoyo as much as House does, you can do tricks with it.

5- An MP3 Player made by Apple. House has all his favorite music on his iPod¹⁷.

6- Chase is often the only fellow who agrees with House. Some people think it is because he spineless but really it is because he usually thinks House is right.

7- Scolding.

8- Headphones are speakers that only one person at a time can hear the music from. Unless the volume is too high, but then the listener has to worry about nerve deafness.

9- Some television sets are so small you can hold them in one hand.

10- Vicodin is a pain medication in pill form that contains hydrocodone and acetaminophen. House uses it because otherwise the pain from his damaged leg would be so bad that he could not function.

11- Also, Chase likes to pick his battles. He is not as stubborn as the other members of the Diagnostics department.

12- House can juggle¹⁸ with one or with two hands. He can even juggle things with different shapes at the same time.

13- A white coat that doctors wear so patients will know they are doctors. House doesn’t wear one.

14- Foreman once had a chance to be a partner in a practice in California but he chose to stay at PPTH. (And House accuses Chase of liking pain!)

15- Chase, Cameron, Foreman and Wilson. Though it was all four, Wilson is not considered a member of House’s team.

16- House likes to gamble. He plays poker and goes to OTB¹⁹. He also makes bets with his team – for money and for clinic hours.

17- This is also known as an Ip-od to Vegetative State Guy.

18-To juggle is to keep several objects in the air, in motion, at the same time. House once juggled a stapler, a Magic 8 Ball and his oversized tennis ball.

19- Off Track Betting. In most states it is illegal to bet on horse races anywhere except at the track or at a government-run OTB site.

CANECANECANECANECANE¹

House² and the rest approached the elevator³ and he tapped the down button with his cane. “So, who’s got an idea I can shoot down?” House⁴ asked. He then repeatedly hit the elevator button again, but the lift⁵ refused to come.

“Perhaps it broke in the storm?” Foreman⁶ suggested as he removed the coffee pot from the coffee maker and took a sip out of it. Chase⁷ looked at Foreman⁸ with complete disgust at because he got his germs⁹ into Chase’s¹⁰ precious drink by drinking it straight out of the pot¹¹.

“Well that’s an interesting theory¹², but I doubt the patient would go downhill¹³ because of a storm. That and she was sick before it began.” House¹⁴ hit the elevator button one last time but then gave up. He sighed and looked around the halls for another option. It was at that point when he noticed something down the Witherspoon Wing¹⁵.

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1- This is what House likes to walk with. Of course, he uses it on the wrong side.

2- House loves soap operas. He often has clinic duty at the same time his favorite soap is on. When this happens, he watches the soap in an exam room.

3- A mechanical and/or electric device that takes people from one floor to another without the use of stairs.

4- House’s thigh muscle was dead because he had an infarction.

5- It’s the British name for an elevator.

6- Foreman was a juvenile delinquent. One of his crimes was that he stole a car.

7- It is widely speculated that Chase chose not to be a priest because his father encouraged him to choose differently.

8- Foreman once contracted rabies. He got the shots in time otherwise he would be dead.

9- Germs are microbes that can potentially make somebody sick.

10- When Chase’s dad died, he had no warning whatsoever, despite the fact that his father knew he was dying of cancer and didn’t tell him when he visited a few months earlier.

11- Not the type of pot you cook in. This is the type you brew liquids for drinking in.

12- A theory is an idea about why a patient is sick.

13- No, they do not take patients to the top of a hill and shove them down!! This just means that a patient is getting worse rather than better.

14- House is an atheist.

15- A section of a hospital is called a wing. Wings are usually specific to a department as well.

GREGGREGGREGGREGGREG¹

There were no lights on in the hallways of the Witherspoon Wing. Fortunately there were no ORs² or ICUs³ in that wing either. And all the critical care units were linked directly into the hospital’s emergency generator system⁴. But if the storm was causing power outages⁵, House⁶ knew that maintenance⁷ would be too busy to worry about a couple of elevators. And, thanks to his leg⁸, the stairs were out of the question⁹.

“Follow me,” House¹⁰ ordered. As they headed back toward the Diagnostics office, House¹¹ opened the door to a storage closet. He jiggled the switch¹² and the lights came on.

House¹³ turned to Foreman¹⁴ and said “Put down that stupid coffee machine and drag the white board in here.” He then turned and said “Cameron¹⁵, Wilson¹⁶, get some chairs.”

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1- Greg is House’s first name. No one calls him Greg except his parents and Stacy¹⁷.

2- Operating Rooms where surgeons perform surgery¹⁸.

3- Intensive Care Units where they keep the really, really sick patients.

4- Places like hospitals have generators so that they will have electricity in just such an emergency as this.

5- When the electricity stops it is called a power outage.

6- House is a genius¹⁹. He knows it and everybody else does too.

7- The Maintenance Department takes care of the hospital building. The people who work in maintenance are not doctors.

8- Since his infarction and surgery, House’s leg has hurt too much for him to use the stairs very often.

9- When something is out of the question that does not mean that a question has been asked. It means that it will not be considered as a possibility.

10- House’s parents are named John and Blythe. John is his father and Blythe is his mother.

11- House’s father was a Marine²⁰ pilot.

12- Overhead lights are usually operated by a switch on the wall. When you jiggle the switch up and down the lights flicker on and off.

13- House always wears sneakers rather than regular shoes.

14- Once Foreman bought the same sneakers as House. But House bought his on the Internet so his cost less. Foreman got ripped.

15- If House doesn’t agree with Cameron, she complains to Cuddy.

16- Wilson’s third wife’s name was Julie.

17- Stacy is married to Mark Warner. No one knows what her last name was when she lived with House²¹.

18- Surgery is when doctors cut into people with shiny metal objects.

19-A genius is somebody who is extra smart.

20- Marine refers to water, like an ocean or a sea. Pilots fly airplanes and helicopters in the air. But somebody can still be a pilot in the Marines.

21- House and Stacy probably know, but they aren’t telling.

CLINICCLINICCLINICCLINIC¹

Once the white board was in a corner² of the closet and the entire team, plus Wilson³, squeezed into a tight semicircle⁴, House⁵ was ready to start work. “DDX people,” he said. “We’ve got panic attacks, phobias, hallucinations, insomnia, rapid weight loss, dementia and coma.⁶”

“I’d say it looks like Fatal Familial Insomnia⁷,” said Chase⁸, “if it weren’t for the familial part. No one in her family had it.”

“Good point⁹,” said House¹⁰. “Maybe she was adopted¹¹. Cameron¹², go get some DNA¹³ from her. If there is power in the labs, check for the mutation¹⁴.”

Cameron¹⁵ glared¹⁶ at Chase¹⁷ as she headed for the stairs¹⁸.

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1- Cuddy’s office is right next to the clinic. This is probably so she can check whether House is really working there like he is supposed to.

2- A corner is the right angle where two walls meet. Bad children are often forced to look at these things. We can safely bet that House has spent many a year looking at a corner.

3- On Thursdays, Wilson usually wears his paisley tie unless he wants to look pretty for someone. Then he wears his green tie.

4- A circle is a round object with an infinite amount of sides to it. If you cut a ball in half and look at the sliced side, you will see a circle. A ball is also a three-dimensional circle known as a sphere. A semicircle is the same thing as half a circle.

5- House can laugh like the mad doctor in a bad science fiction movie. But that doesn’t mean he actually is mad. Probably.

6- These are Alice’s symptoms that Chase already listed (plus a few more that House found in the chart.)

7- Fatal Familial Insomnia is a very rare, genetic disease. It affects 28 families worldwide. There is no cure. But hey! At least it’s such a rare disease that all of the families can get together for a crazy party and the bill won’t be that big!

8- House likes to say that Chase is stupid just to annoy him. It isn’t true (and House knows that it isn’t true.)

9- House often says this when he agrees with someone.

10- House likes puzzles. Diagnosing patients is a puzzle for him and he will not stop until he solves it. But if he can, he’ll avoid the patient part of the puzzle.

11- Adopt is to take as your own. Grown ups can adopt a child and make the child a part of their family.

12- If Cameron thinks a person does not live up to her moral standards, she likes to hurt them. Unless that someone is House, then she likes to admire them.

13- Deoxyribonucleic acid. This is the stuff your genes are made of and it determines all sorts of things about you before you are even born. It’s kinda like a blueprint, but it’s not on pretty blue, rolled up paper.

14- A mutation is a change. In a gene, it is a change that causes something about a person or a family to be different from most people in one respect or another.

15- Cameron can get a bit preachy at times, but for some reason everybody still puts up with her.

16- A glare is an angry look. Cameron does not like it if House says something nice to anyone other than her.

17- When House was in a lot of pain, he once punched Chase in the face. Chase did not punch House in return.

18- Cameron did not hurt her leg so she can use the stairs.

HWHWHWHWHWHWHW¹

After Cameron² huffily stomped³ out of the closet, Wilson⁴ turned to House⁵ and sighed. “House⁶, you can’t work in here forever. How about you and the others come out⁷ and I’ll let you set up in the oncology lounge.”

House⁸ smiled. “You mean, you want me to…come out⁹?” He leered. Wilson¹⁰ sighed and rubbed his temples thinking that he shouldn’t be surprised that House¹¹ would make a joke like that.

“Does the oncology lounge have any windows¹²?” Chase¹³ asked warily¹⁴.

“No, you guys will be safe in there.” Wilson¹⁵ confirmed.

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1- If this were a House/Wilson slash fic, this would be the bad!fic page separator of choice.

2- Cameron once had a clinic patient that turned out to be dying of lung cancer. Naturally Cameron fell in love with her and spent much time with her.

3- To huffily stomp is to walk away with loud foot steps and a lot of sass.

4- Wilson one time slept with a cancer patient. Her name was Grace.

5- House gave a girl a pelvic exam in an elevator. He found the tick he was looking for and saved her life.

6- House was one time asked to give a speech about a new drug for a man named Vogler¹⁶.

7- This type of coming out means to physically leave the closet that they’re sitting in.

8- House is the lead character on the TV show named after him.

9- This type of coming out is the other one. It’s the one that gay people do when they make their sexuality known.

10- Wilson once paid his maid, Lady, to clean House’s apartment.

11- When House was growing up he lived in many foreign countries such as Egypt and Japan.

12- A window is a glass pane that allows luminosity to pass through and make a room brighter. It can also be opened to allow fresh air in.

13- If you haven’t guess by now, Chase has daddy issues.

14- Warily means cautiously.

15- House thinks Wilson has a “silver tongue.” This means Wilson can convince people of things using words. It has nothing to do with slash.

16- Edward Vogler once gave PPTH one hundred million dollars. But then he took it back. Imagine a black Jabba the Hut and that would be him.

HWCHWCHWCHWCHWCHWC¹

“Well then, let’s get out of this ridiculous² place and move.” Foreman³ started grabbing whatever he could and juggled⁴ it on his right arm. From there he grabbed one side of the white board and started dragging it out. “Come on, Chase⁵. Help me move this thing.”

Chase⁶ looked at House⁷ who waved the two off with his cane. With the approval of his boss, Chase⁸ grabbed the other side of the white board and dragged it out with Foreman⁹. With Cameron¹⁰ gone, the two, not so surprisingly, ran into nothing. After they left the closet, House¹¹ and Wilson¹² walked out right behind them. When they were both back in the hall again, House¹³ turned to Wilson¹⁴. “Hey, we just came out…¹⁵” he leered again. Wilson¹⁶ rolled his eyes and then the two men followed the others over to the Oncology Lounge.

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1- If this were a really kinky, House/Wilson/Chase slash this would be the page separator. Oh so thankfully, this isn’t that type of fic either.

2- Ridiculous means crazy, absurd, pointless.

3- Foreman has a brother named Marcus¹⁷.

4- Not the juggling that House can do. This type means he was trying very hard not to drop anything.

5- Chase once kissed a 9 year old girl because she was dying and she wanted to know what a kiss felt like…*coughpedophilecough*

6- Chase was the only fellow to admire House’s motorcycle.

7- House one time stuck a thermometer up the butt of a police detective. And left it there.

8- When Vogler was mad at House, Chase was afraid he would lose his job so he kept Vogler informed of everything House was doing.

9- Foreman almost let a patient die because the guy was on death row so Foreman didn’t want to treat him.

10- Cameron wears vests and shirts with pouffy sleeves a lot of the time.

11- House eats Chinese food straight from the carton (using chopsticks.)

12- Wilson once said the word “friend” in Swedish can be translated as “limping twerp.” Heee.

13- House is jealous of people who have autism because they don’t have to be polite. But House does not have Asperger’s (a type of autism) even if he wishes he did.

14- Tritter¹⁸ had Wilson’s car towed away.

15- Again, House is making a joke about coming out like a gay couple.

16- Tritter¹⁸ also froze all of Wilson’s money.

17- Marcus is in jail. Foreman refused to rat on House just to get Marcus released.

18- The police detective with the thermometer. And he started it by kicking House’s cane so House almost fell down.

Part Four

Footnotes are our friends

2007-01-13T01:40:32Z

Title: The Footnote Fic, Part 2/5
Authors: JennifferButterfly and Poeia
Rating: T for Teen (aka PG-13)
Parts: Five Parts
Summary: House takes on a new patient during a storm and the entire story has been footnoted! As we always say, every story should be well explained.
Author's note: I made a joke on TwoP, lautre made a challenge and JennifferButterfly and I rose (sank?) to the occasion. Also we were bored during the mini-hiatus.
Disclaimer: All rights to House MD belong to David Shore, Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions in association with NBC Universal Television Studio. I do not make any monetary profit from this fanfiction.
Warnings: Spoilers for all seasons.

The Footnote Fic

Chapter One

HOUSEMDHOUSEMDHOUSEMDHOUSEMD¹

Chase² pulled himself together³ and, ignoring House⁴ and Cameron⁵, and continued the patient history. A few months ago the patient started having hallucinations⁶. She refused to go near the produce section⁷ of the store because she was convinced the celery was stalking⁸ her and the currants were planning to electrocute⁹ her. A friend from work started picking her up in the morning and driving her home at night so she would not have to drive anymore.

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1- House is a doctor so he can put the letters “M.D” after his name.

2- Chase’s mother was an alcoholic. Chase sometimes drinks but he does not seem to have inherited the tendency toward alcoholism from her. This is another unfortunate cliché found in the fanfic world.

3- This should not be taken literally. Chase was not physically in several pieces. It just means that Chase stopped being distracted by things like the thunder and concentrated on the DDX¹⁰.

4- When House is concentrating on something or is happy, he sticks his tongue out just a little bit.

5- Cameron was married when she was in college. She knew her husband was dying when she married him.

6- Hallucinations are visions of things that are not there. They seem to be real at the time.

7- The produce section of a grocery store is where they keep the fruits and vegetables that are for sale.

8- Celery comes in stalks. When stalk is used as a verb, it means to follow in a secretive and creepy manner¹¹.

9- Currants are fruit similar to grapes. Electricity is measured in currents¹².

10- Differential Diagnosis. This is when the Diagnostics team brainstorms to come up with a diagnosis¹³.

11- This is an example of a pun¹⁴.

12- This is also an example of a pun.

13- Diagnosis is the fancy way of saying the verdict on the patient’s case. Chase usually comes up with these early in the episode, but people tend to ignore him.

14- A pun is a play on words.

MDMDMDMDMDMDMDMDMDMD¹

“About three months² ago,” Chase³ concluded⁴, “the patient stopped eating⁵ and sleeping⁶. Her friend tried to take her to see a doctor⁷ but she was terrified⁸ to go. After that, she was placed on sick leave⁹ from work. Her friend continued to check up¹⁰ on her every day but this morning, Alice hadn’t answered the phone. Her friend went to her apartment¹¹ and, finding her unconscious, called 911 ¹².”

--------

1- MD is short for Medical Doctor. This page break is just as annoying as any of the other ones authors put in their stories. For the love of Sir Elton John, please start using dashes!

2- A month is a division of time comprised of 28-31 days. Three months is one-quarter of a year.

3- Chase has admitted to using drugs growing up, but we don’t know if he was serious or was just trying to get a patients mother to open up.

4- Ended or finished.

5- Eating is putting food in one’s mouth, chewing it and swallowing.

6- Sleeping is like a mini-coma. Unlike a coma, sleep is good for you. Without REM sleep, your neurons stop regenerating. The brains shut down lobe by lobe.

7- To see is to look at. But to see a doctor means to visit a doctor so he (or she) can look at you.

8- Terrified is very frightened.

9- Most jobs give people days off when they are sick. The number of days a person has depends on how long they have worked at that job and how often they have been sick in the past. When a person takes a lot of sick days in a row it is called “sick leave.”

10- When you check up on a person, you see how that person is doing. You can also get a check up from a doctor to see how your health is doing.

11- A unit of habitation in the same edifice as other, similar units.

12- 911 is the number to dial for emergencies in the United States. It connects you with the police and ambulances¹³.

13- Ambulances make a really loud “Wee-ooo wee-ooo” noise.

NJNJNJNJNJNJNJNJNJNJ¹

When Chase² finished reading off the rest of the patient history, the storm really started to pick up³. At one point the winds outside were blowing so hard that Cameron⁴ thought she saw a cat fly by and insisted that she must go outside and help it⁵. House⁶ and the others just rolled their eyes at her. House⁷ sighed and looked to the white board. “Coma, eh?” Chase⁸ nodded. “Well then, I guess I’ll take the case.”

Just then, without warning, a shrub⁹ in a small planter flew off the balcony’s¹⁰ edge and went straight through the window. Unfortunately, it missed Cameron’s¹¹ head¹². “Whoa!” Foreman¹³ yelled as the wind picked up and blew things around in the office. The team knew that the conference room¹⁴ was now no longer safe with the window broken¹⁵ so they decided to move shop next door.

“What’s going on here?” Wilson¹⁶ asked. “I heard the window break and came in to see if everybody was ok.”

--------

1- NJ is short for New Jersey. That is the state Princeton is in.

2- Chase believes there might be other life forms in the universe¹⁷. This doesn’t mean that he thinks he has seen a UFO¹⁸ or has been abducted by aliens¹⁹. It just means that he is not narrow-minded.

3- This doesn’t mean that the storm literally grew arms and started grabbing things. It just means that things got hectic.

4- Cameron quit her job and would only come back to work if House took her on a date. She’s a skank²⁰ like that.

5- Cameron is also known for being overly caring. She would easily give up her life for a cat or even imagine one that wasn’t really there just because she was afraid for the poor critters.

6- House has long, beautiful hands. They do not have “pianist fingers,” they have House’s fingers. And they are lovely.

7- House once based a diagnosis on cheese.

8- Chase has a bad habit for not knowing how to dress himself. This is because he has an awful sense of fashion²¹.

9- A shrub is a decorative plant that is usually a bush of some kind.

10- A balcony is a platform extending outside a building on upper floors. It is usually surrounded by a wall or railing. It allows the residents of the building to enjoy an uninterrupted view of the area.

11- Cameron once drugged a patient to keep him from leaving the hospital when she wanted to keep diagnosing him.

12- Though, it would’ve been nice if it hadn’t.

13- Foreman was the head of the Diagnostics Department for one month. House made his life extra miserable during that time.

14-The room in which everybody gets together for the DDX is known as the conference room.

15- When something is broken it is no longer in usable condition.

16- See, there’s Wilson like we promised.

17- The universe is everything and everywhere.

18- UFO stands for Unidentified Flying Object.

19- Aliens are people who come from someplace else. The aliens who come on a UFO come from another planet. Contrary to popular belief, they probably don’t want to probe our anuses.

20- A skank is a disgusting or filthy person. Even if she bathes frequently.

21- Fashion is the style that is currently popular. Chase’s style of clothes might be popular in Australia but they are not popular in the United States. The color combinations he puts together are not popular anywhere.

SICKSICKSICKSICKSICKSICKSICKSICKSICK¹

“Well, we definitely can’t work in here.” House² said while he pondered³ the situation. With the newly broken window, it would be hard to get anything done. Especially since the wind would now be blowing in, bringing rain and debris⁴ with it. House⁵ sighed⁶ and looked at his team. “Alright, let’s move into my office.”

Wilson⁷ nodded. “Fine, Foreman⁸ and I can move the white board in there.” He then tapped on the top of the conference room table. “Hey, Foreman⁹?”

“Is it over?” Foreman¹⁰ asked.

--------

1- This is what the patient is.

2- House is very musical. He plays piano and guitar. We have never seen him play the harmonica but he has one locked in his file cabinet.

3- Pondering is like thinking. It’s when you judge a situation and then decide how to deal with it.

4- Debris is the remains of something after it has been destroyed.

5- House gave himself a migraine¹¹ headache. Deliberately¹²! He did this to prove that a medicine did not work.

6- The situation is the current state of affairs.

7- James Wilson is House’s best friend.

8- Foreman nearly died from a disease he got in a patient’s home. But Cameron drilled a hole in his head and now he is fine.

9- Foreman is black.

10- Foreman is getting more attention in these footnotes then he usually does in most fanfics.

11- A very bad headache often characterized by sensitivity to light.

12- Deliberately means on purpose.

DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE¹

House² and pretty much everybody else rolled their eyes³ at the neurologist. The only one who didn’t do so was Cameron⁴, who was now feeling strangely attracted to Foreman’s⁵ weak side⁶. “Foreman⁷, just get out of there and help me move the white board.” Wilson⁸ said.

--------

1- What will happen if the patient isn't cured of the previous separator.

2- Sometimes House likes to play with his cane. He can twirl it or use it like a lacrosse⁹ stick.

3- Not rolled as in they took their eyes out of their sockets¹⁰, placed them on the table, and sent them on a spin. Rolled as in the “Are you kidding me?” movement of the eyes.

4- While Cameron’s husband was dying she fell in love with his best friend, Joe. But they didn’t sleep together.

5- Once when Foreman was doing House’s clinic hours, he word House’s nametag so people would think he was Dr. House.

6- Cameron likes the weak, she thinks it’s a sexy attribute and often finds herself attracted to the helpless.

7- Foreman is actually pretty¹¹ smart. He wouldn’t hide from a storm…especially not under a glass table.

8- James Wilson is the Chief of Oncology¹². He became the chief at a very young age. So House once called him “boy wonder oncologist. Once…and that was in season one!!!

9- According to dictionary.com, lacrosse is “a game, originated by Indians of North America, in which two 10-member teams attempt to send a small ball into each other's netted goal, each player being equipped with a crosse or stick at the end of which is a netted pocket for catching, carrying, or throwing the ball.”

10- In anatomy, a socket is a hollow part that another part fits into.

11- Not pretty as in attractive to the eye (although many people think Foreman is that type of pretty too.) This pretty means considerably or a fairly great amount. Americans¹³ might also say that Foreman is “quite smart” but then British¹⁴ readers would think it was sarcasm and the writers didn’t think Foreman was smart at all. That isn’t true.

12- Oncology is the medical specialty that deals with cancer.

13- Americans are people who live in the United State.

14- British people live in England. Australians put a picture of the Queen of England on their money. This makes House insist that Chase is British. He isn’t.

MORGUEMORGUEMORGUEMORGUE¹

After coaxing² him out, Wilson³ and Foreman⁴ got to moving the white board with Cameron⁵ directing them. Chase⁶, on the other hand, was grabbing the patient’s folder and the coffee machine⁷. “Careful, ok, a little bit more to the right. Not too much, ok, careful…careful…” Cameron⁸ said. Then, all of the sudden, Foreman⁹ ran his side into the glass partition separating House’s¹⁰ office from the conference room. Cameron¹¹ gave a meek smile. “Oops, did I say right? I meant left.¹²”

--------

1- Where hospitals put patients when they undergo the previous page separator.

2- To coax something is to ease something out gently.

3- Wilson has been married three times.

4- Foreman recently went to a jazz festival in the Poconos with his new girlfriend, Wendy.

5- House once asked Cameron if she wanted to go out on a date. This was after his leg was fixed so she obviously said no.

6- Chase had a bad relationship with his father and hated him for the longest time.

7- Chase is often seen sniffing his coffee and whatnot. It’s a safe guess that he loves the drink and would want to save the machine.

8- Cameron once tried to have dinner with House and his parents. But she finally let them eat alone. House thanked her for that later.

9- Foreman once played Santa Claus for the sick kids at the hospital.

10- Patients (or their relatives) sometimes attack House. He has been punched several times and also kneed in the groin.

11- House speculated that Cameron may have been pregnant once, but this hasn’t been proven.

12- Right and left are directions that are the opposite of each other.

FUNERALFUNERALFUNERAL¹

Faced with glass, water and shrubbery all over the Diagnostics Department, House² decided that they would have to move out of the office entirely. “Cuddy³ doesn’t use her office to practice⁴ medicine” he announced. “We can set up shop⁵ there.”

“House⁶,” Wilson⁷ pontificated⁸, “Cuddy⁹ uses her office for other, important things.”

“I know,” House¹⁰ leered¹¹. “But today it’s going to be used to save a patient’s life.”

--------

1- What the family has for the patient after the previous page two separators occur.

2- House has allergies. When his nose is stuffy he acts like a big baby.

3- Cuddy wears very sexy clothes. House likes to make jokes about her breasts¹².

4- People sometimes say that doctors “practice medicine” because they don’t know how to do it yet. But practice can also mean “customary performance” like it does when you refer to the “practice of medicine.”

5- This means that House is planning to work in Cuddy’s office. He is not planning to put an actual shop in there. If he were going to actually put a shop in there, one might speculate that he’d sell canes.

6- House likes to eat lunch with people who are in comas. Or with Wilson. Sometimes both. He hasn’t had lunch with Alice Underwood yet.

7- House likes to play practical jokes on Wilson. Once, when Wilson was sleeping on House’s couch, House put Wilson’s hand in warm water so he would go pee pee.

House still has the couch…ew.

8- To pontificate is to express an opinion in a pompous, dogmatic way as if the speaker thinks he is the Pope. This is especially funny as Wilson is Jewish.

9- When Cuddy decided she wanted to have a baby she asked House to give her the shots to make her more fertile. House got to look at her gluteus maximus¹³.

10- House likes to talk about using the services of hookers.

11- A leer is a look with dirty overtones. House is so good at leering that he can do it with just his eyebrows or just his voice.

12- Fun bags, the girls, the produce section at Whole Foods, boobs, puppies.

13- Butt cheek.
Part Three

My first fic. Well, half mine anyway.

2007-01-12T02:22:59Z

Title: The Footnote Fic
Authors: JennifferButterfly and Poeia
Rating: T for Teen (aka PG-13)
Parts: Five Parts
Summary: House takes on a new patient during a storm and the entire story has been footnoted! As we always say, every story should be well explained.
Author's note: I made a joke on TwoP, lautre made a challenge and JennifferButterfly and I rose (sank?) to the occasion. Also we were bored during the mini-hiatus.
Disclaimer: Disclaimer: All rights to House MD belong to David Shore, Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions in association with NBC Universal Television Studio. I do not make any monetary profit from this fanfiction.
Warnings: Spoilers for all seasons.

The Footnote Fic

Chase¹ was helping out in the ICU² when they brought in a patient³ he knew would interest House⁴. She had no family, she was comatose⁵, and, best of all⁶, no one knew why⁷.

--------

1- Robert Chase is a fellow⁸ that works under Dr. House. He (Chase, not House) specializes in Intensive Care.

2- ICU is an acronym for Intensive Care Unit. It's where the really sick patients end up.

3- Patients are the people who go to see doctors for many reasons varying from sickness to physicals.

4- Gregory House is the head of the Diagnostics⁹ Department at PPTH¹⁰. He specializes in nephrology¹¹ and infectious diseases¹².

5- When somebody is unconscious for a long time, doctors say the patient is “comatose” or in a “coma.” This form of unconsciousness can vary in degrees of severity.

6- Usually it is not best for no one to know why a patient is comatose. But Dr. House only wants to diagnose the patients that no one else can help.

7- To “not know why” is to be completely clueless about a particular situation.

8- After a doctor has finished his or her training, he or she can get extra training. This is called a fellowship. Dr. Chase is one of three fellows in the Diagnostics Department.

9- Diagnostics is the science of figuring out what is making a person sick. Dr. House is very good at that.

10- PPTH stands for Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospitals. It is located in Princeton, NJ and people from the town next door, Plainsboro, also come there. Many teaching hospitals are called “Medical Centers.” PPTH is not one of them.

11- Nephrology is the study of the kidneys. Kidneys are a part of the body that you can’t see but they are very important. Without kidneys you wouldn’t be able to pee¹³. Most people start with two kidneys but you really only need one.

12- Infectious diseases are the things you can catch like a cold or rabies. Diseases like cancer or ingrown toenails, the stuff that no one can give you, are not infectious.

13- To pee is to urinate.

GHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH¹

As he hurried down the hall towards Diagnostics, he couldn't help² but wonder how to present the case³ to House⁴. Finally he reached the office and swung open the door. "Ah," House⁵ said, "it seems as though the wombat⁶ has finally arrived."

--------

1- GH are the initials for Gregory House.

2- Help usually means to give assistance. But when somebody “couldn’t help but” do something it means he had to do it, even if he didn’t really want to.

3- Doctors like to refer to a patient as a “case.” It helps, or assists, them to look smart⁷. Each case or patient has unique symptoms.

4- Gregory House, the head of the Diagnostics Department is very tall. He has very, very blue eyes and a cute beard. He walks with a cane because he has a limp⁸.

5- House doesn’t like to see patients.

6- A wombat is a small, herbivorous⁹ marsupial¹⁰ from Australia¹¹. Chase is from Australia so House once called him a wombat. Once…and that was in season one!!!

7- Smart is the act of thinking, the opposite of dumb.

8- Limp is defined as “walking with a lame or partially disabled leg” according to Webster’s dictionary. Limp can also mean “lacking in stiffness or firmness” but not when you are describing House.

9- Herbivorous is like vegetarian. It means to eat plants and not meat.

10- Marsupials are like mammals except that they aren’t. They are warm-blooded and have fur but the babies¹² are born –really- little so the mommy marsupial sticks them in a pouch she has for just that reason. From there, they can stay until they are big enough to come out.

11- Australia is a country and it is also a continent. Really! It is as far from Princeton, NJ as a place can be.

12- A baby is a very young version of a particular animal.

RCRCRCRCRCRCRCRCRCRC¹

“Do you have a case for us, Chase²?” Cameron³ asked. She was sitting at the conference room table, stirring some creamer into her coffee, while Foreman⁴ was pouring himself a drink as well.

“Yeah,” said Chase⁵. “Look at this chart⁶.” He then meandered over to the conference table and sat down across from Cameron⁷. From there he tossed the folder onto the table and waited for somebody to pick it up.

--------

1- RC are the initials for Robert Chase.

2- Chase who always has something in his mouth. He might have an oral fixation.

3- Allison Cameron is yet another fellow of House’s. She specializes in Immunology⁸.

4- Dr. Eric Foreman is the third fellow of Dr. House’s. He specializes in Neurology⁹.

5- Chase’s father was a famous rheumatologist¹⁰.

6- Charts are what doctors refer to. They hold all of a patient’s information¹¹.

7- Cameron was not an only child (even if she does think it is always about her.)

8- Immunology is the study of the immune system. Or “Why Billy sneezing on me makes me feel icky”.

9- Neurology is the study of the nervous system and brain. House makes many people nervous but that has nothing to do with neurology.

10- A rheumatologist is a doctor who specializes in diseases that cause pain in the joints and extremities.

11- Information is defined as words and sentences that describe and hold valuable knowledge about a certain person, place, or thing.

ACACACACACACACACACAC¹

“Boring,” said House² nonchalantly³. It was quickly followed with a yawn⁴ while he played with his Gameboy⁵. “Now I’m not going to get you that collar and leash for your birthday⁶.”

“House⁷,” groaned⁸ Chase⁹, “you haven’t even looked at the chart yet. How do you know it’s not interesting?” By now Foreman¹⁰ was sitting at the conference table and he’d decided to be the one to flip through the patient’s file¹¹.

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1- AC are the initials for Alison Cameron.

2- House is not a friendly type. As a matter of fact, he only has two known friends.

3- Cooly unconcerned. House is not always as nonchalant as he pretends¹² to be.

4- When House yawned, he opened his mouth very wide and inhaled deeply and loudly. People do this when they are sleepy or bored.

5- Gameboy is a registered trademark of Nintendo Company, Ltd.

6- It is known that Chase dabbed in BDSM¹³ for a while and would probably enjoy a collar and leash because of this.

7- House got his limp because Stacy¹⁴ had a surgeon cut away part of his thigh muscle.

8- Not sexual groan, though we’re pretty sure there are a lot of slash¹⁵ fics in which he does that too.

9- Chase went to seminary when he was thinking of becoming a priest. That was before he decided to be a doctor.

10- Even though Foreman was the last fellow House hired, it isn’t fair that most writers forget to include him in their stories.

11- A patient file is the same thing as a chart.

12- Pretend is the same thing as “make believe.”

13- BDSM is short for “bondage and discipline, slave and master.” Chase might be a little kinky.

14- Stacy Warner is a lawyer who House used to live with.

15- Slash is to make a couple of guy or gal characters have a homosexual relationship. This can vary from fluff to sexually going at each other like there is no tomorrow!

EFEFEFEFEFEFEFEFEFEF¹

Just as Foreman² was about to open his mouth and begin talking³ about the patient, there was a large crackling of thunder⁴ from outside. All of House’s⁵ fellows and House⁶ himself looked out the window in shock as to how fast this storm had moved in. “Well,” House⁷ said, “so much for me going to track practice⁸.”

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1- EF are the initials for Eric Foreman.

2- Foreman’s father is named Rodney.

3- To talk is to verbally communicate using sounds created in the voice box.

4- The sound aspect to a thunderstorm. Not to be confused with its sister aspect, lightning⁹.

5- House loves monster trucks.

6- House sometimes wears his Grave Digger¹⁰ hat from a monster truck rally as a disguise.

7- House takes medicine to help with the pain in his leg.

8- This is a funny statement because House cannot run because of his leg. This form of humor is common to him.

9- Because light travels faster than sound, you see lightning before you hear thunder. If you count the number of seconds between when you see the lightning and when you hear the thunder and divide by 5 you will know how many miles away the storm is. If you did not know this you might get hit by lightning and be badly hurt. But House would not treat you because you would be diagnostically boring¹¹.

10- Grave Digger is a very special monster truck.

11- Boring as in not amusing.

JWJWJWJWJWJWJWJWJWJW¹

After a quick² look out the window, Chase³ quickly began to recite⁴ the patient history⁵. Alice Underwood was a 58-year-old, emaciated⁶, white⁷ female with no living relatives. She had worked as a bookkeeper⁸ at a local grocery chain for the last 30 years before she became terrified⁹ of her adding machine¹⁰ about a year ago. Other phobias, such as a fear of keys¹¹, quickly followed.

--------

1- JW are the initials for James Wilson. He will appear in this story later¹².

2- Rapid or fast.

3- Chase has blond hair and looks young for his age.

4- Recite is to speak from memory.

5- History is what happened in the past. Doctors need to get a patient’s history so they know everything that that could have been involved in the development of the patient’s illness.

6- Emaciated is very, very skinny.

7-In other words, definitely not from the hood.

8- A bookkeeper keeps track of all the money a store makes and spends. They are like accountants except they don’t get paid as much.

9- Terrified is very scared.

10- Some accountants still use adding machines¹³ to get sums of the numbers they have written down.

11- Keys are used to open locks¹⁴ in doors.

12- Later means not now, but down the road. In other words, “Be patient! We’re getting there!”

13-The accountants that are too cool to use adding machines use something called a ten-key¹⁵ or Excel¹⁶.

14- Locks are what keep things shut so strangers can’t come in. Though, because House expects it of them, the team¹⁷ now knows how to get around these for breaking into homes.

15- Ten keys are calculators that are made specifically for accountants and have rolls of white paper, known as tape, that print whatever the accountant types.

16- Excel is one of the many programs of Windows Office. It’s a spreadsheet maker and accountants¹⁸ love it!!

17-House calls Cameron, Chase and Foreman his “team.” He has never called them ducklings. (But he did call Foreman his “bitch” once.)

18- JennifferButterfly is studying to be an accountant.

LCLCLCLCLCLCLCLCLCLC¹

“Yeah, yeah. She doesn’t need us, she needs a psych² consult.” House³ said as he peered⁴ out the window to watch the storm.

Cameron⁵ sighed and took the folder from Foreman⁶ to review⁷. “It says here that she got one and doctors found nothing wrong with her besides the fears. That and psychological issues don’t explain the coma.” She whined⁸.

At that moment, another loud, deafening thunderclap roared through the sky. It caught everybody off guard, but more so with Chase⁹, who was afraid of thunder. He sank lower¹⁰ into his chair and tried to plug his ears. Foreman¹¹ looked at him and laughed until he saw a lightning bolt and screamed like a little girl before diving under the desk. House¹² just looked at the two like they were both insane. Cameron¹³ looked at House like he was an asshole¹⁴ for not looking at her.

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1- LC are the initials of Lisa Cuddy, the hospital administrator who, like Wilson, will show up later in the story.

2- To have a psych consult is to have a psychiatrist come and examine your head. Not the way a neurologist would, but instead they try to see if you’re crazy. They have to talk to you to do this so it is very difficult to do when the patient is in a coma.

3- Working part-time in the PPTH clinic is part of House’s job. He hates that part of his job. All the patients have colds or herpes¹⁶.

4- To peer is to cautiously look.

5- When Cameron is unhappy she cries while calibrating centrifuges.

6- Foreman wrote an article about the same case that Cameron wrote about. Some people call this stealing. Other people just think that Foreman was being very naughty.

7- To review something is to look over it.

8- Whining is complaining about something in a sniveling and an annoying way with an edge to your tone that just gets under people’s skins and makes them want to shove something big¹⁵ in your mouth or grab you by the throat and shake you until you just shut up, Cameron. Umm, sorry about that. Whining is like complaining.

9- Chase may not be afraid of thunder, but writers sometimes add stuff like this to give a character even more spirit.

10- Sinking in your chair is often done when somebody wants to hide but doesn’t want to be obvious about it. It’s mostly done when somebody is embarrassed or afraid.

11- Foreman, just like Chase, is probably not afraid of lightning, but the authors just want to add character.

12- House often makes his fellows do his clinic hours for him.

13- Cameron loves House and won’t back off. She gets kind of mad when he doesn’t pay attention to her. She also thinks it’s ok to sexually harass him.

14- Asshole is a crude term for a jerk.

15- Something else that’s big, like a sock or a fist.

16- An incurable infection that you get from cold sores or the sex. Sometimes it can temporarily shrink tumors. Then some intensivists see that as God making a miracle.

Part Two

poeia @ 2006-11-12T21:18:00

2006-11-13T02:18:14Z